Old Wives' (And Husbands') Tales

So I have this friend, Michelle, whom I've known since our days on the college newspaper. She could always be relied upon to have pain killers or pepper spray handy -- whatever you needed, really.

She's something of a savant in that when she applies herself in any given area, she becomes an expert on that area. Currently she is overflowing with knowledge about children and the things you need to buy to keep them alive and happy. I hope to someday tap her fountain of knowledge when I birth my own spawn.

I only mention her tendency to "expertize" herself on different topics because I suspect she comes by it honestly. 

Case in point: A few weeks ago Michelle sent me an email with the subject line: "Something just occurred to me."

As it turns out, Michelle's dad is something of a barren-uterus-whisperer. To date, he has helped eight women conceive within three months of beginning to use his ovulation charts and advice. One couple had been trying for TEN YEARS and conceived within two months of following his advice. (What the what?!) They now have three children.

So I figured I would put Michelle's dad's advice out there for everyone to use. Here it is!

1. The man should abstain from sex for one week prior to your ovulation week. No masturbating, either. (The seed is strong! Sorry. Game of Thrones joke.)

2. Then have sex the day BEFORE you ovulate, the DAY you ovulate, and then the day AFTER you ovulate. Michelle says the reasoning behind this is that girl sperms stay alive in your body longer, the boy sperms are sprinters and made for day-of-ovulation action, and doing it the day after ovulation is covering your bases, since it's possible you ovulated a little later than expected.

3. Have sex at night, and go to sleep directly afterward. Don't get up, don't go to the bathroom. Michelle says she slept with a towel under her. For the record, Michelle has two kids.

Michelle's dad clarifies that three sexual encounters are the minimum. If you want to keep going after the third day, by all means have at it. But the first day you do it should be the day before ovulation.

I figure we've all tried any number of crazy things on this voyage, and this one doesn't sound that crazy. It's worth a shot, right?