Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Day 2

When I decided I wanted kids, I knew I wanted two. I'm into replacement-rate population growth and I feel like someone has to offset the number of kids being born to morons with kids born to people like me: Educated morons.

But at this point my desire is as such: I want one kid. If I can have just that one kid, I'll be happy as a clam. I won't complain if I can't have two. I'll take the one kid and do my best with her. I just want the one chance to see what happens when you combine mine and my husband's DNA.

I am having difficulty getting past the feeling that our inability to have a kid is my fault. I honestly feel like if I could just lose weight and be healthy, this wouldn't be an issue. Lots of people say Yes, but many women who are much larger than you have conceived, and I know this, but I still think what I do.

And then I think What kind of lousy person can't make weight loss happen for herself when she wants something so badly? Seriously. It makes me hate myself for being so weak. Which makes me want a cookie. It's a vicious cycle.

I am working on it, actively. Every day I think about it. I am constantly coming up with new schemes and plans, believing one has to work, eventually.


  1. Nodding along with every word. Especially the part about "educated morons" :-)
    Seriously though - I have the same vicious cycle. Hating your body -> treating your body badly -> hating your body even more.
    I'm not one to talk here because i have yet to break the cycle. But how about starting with being good to your body in non-diet ways? Taking a bath, getting a massage, etc. I've started doing that kind of stuff and it's making a dent, if nothing else.

    1. Yes -- you're putting in words something I've been thinking. Just simple stuff like a haircut, a manicure ... I think it would help.

  2. Be nice to yourself. Being mean only causes stress. Stress is ten times worse than weight when it comes to conception. Also, You deserve niceness. Whenever you start beating yourself up I want you to think "would I say this to someone I love who is going through a tough time?"

    And I can't imagine two kids now. That seems like torture.

  3. I love the "educated morons"...awesomeness:)

    I agree with the 'do nice things for yourself'...that and a friend and I got a trainer who was really mean?/motivating? (so I could stop being mean to myself)...but the combo of him and a workout buddy worked.

    Weight struggles suck.