Typing that is hard. Really hard. It makes it more real. I guess that's why I haven't done it until then.
I actually came to this realization about six weeks ago, about the last time I posted on this blog. I was in the middle of a total nervous breakdown, depressed to the point of feeling like the whole world would be better off without me. It wasn't my normal depression, there was something much worse -- an edge to it. It was distinctly hormonal. I googled prometrium and found it can have a profound effect on those with depression. And in that moment? I knew I had to be done.
It isn't just that one medication had a bad side effect. It was the culmination of all the things I have done in the past five years in the attempt to get that double line on a pregnancy test. It was the multiple ways I have beaten the shit out of myself -- physically and emotionally -- to achieve this goal. It was the fact that for half a decade I have focused on little but this, and the realization that I could be using that energy to another end.
I am not saying that this is an "all at once" change in attitude. To be honest, I am still ambivalent. I still have all the different tests in my cabinet, and I can't help but notice the consistency of certain bodily fluids. There is still that voice in my head saying "well, maybe if you..." but it slowly be drowned out by the bigger voice saying "this can be the end, and you will be okay."
I am sure there are some of you saying "well, she has a baby, so it's easier for her." It may be, because I've never been in anyone else's shoes. I don't know how hard it has been for them, only how hard it has been for me. And it has been hard. My body has failed me at something it was supposed to do; something that would affirm me as a woman; something that so many other people so maddeningly easily can do. It makes me angry, and sad, and makes me doubt there is a God.
That's why it's time for me to move on.
It's time for me to focus on the positive -- the "cans" instead of the "cannots."
If you want, I can continue sharing my journey here -- moving beyond a different kind of "Tired and Stuck."
I think it will be a good one.
