Live Now

No, I'm not dead. Yes, I am still infertile. 

I haven't been blogging here, because I felt like I haven't really had anything of use to add to the conversation. I am still not planning on getting pregnant, and in fact have been taking pregnancy tests just to make sure hell hasn't frozen over, pigs aren't flying, and I am not somehow knocked up. 

So, why am I blogging today*? 

I actually have something to say. Advice, if you will. Something I think will actually help anyone dealing with infertility. No, it's not about how to get a baby in your belly. If I knew that I would be writing a book and encouraging people to buy it and blog about it. Instead, it's about keeping your brains in your head, while trying to get a baby in your belly. 

Are you ready? 

It's pretty simple. 

Don't put your life on hold while trying to get pregnant. 

I know, that seems simplistic, and a little ridiculous. After all, how can anything be more important that the pursuit of parenthood? You are probably thinking you aren't putting your life on hold, you are pursuing the next level of your life. You are probably thinking I just don't get it. 

If you have read this blog though, or my other blog, I think you know I do. 

I am now 37 years old. I started trying to have a baby when I was 32. The five years in between were sucked into the vortex of infertility and adoption. I look back on the past five (almost six) years and I see a lot of regrets. More and more I see that a lot of them have nothing to do with infertility, but things I didn't do because of it. I didn't take job offers. I didn't buy nice clothes. I didn't plan trips. I didn't lose weight (I was sure I would get pregnant and then just gain it all back). I didn't take on projects I thought would take a lot of my time: like learning to play an instrument, or writing a book. I avoided family and friends who were fertile because I was not. I put myself on hold, making infertility the main focus of my life. I missed out. 

I don't want you to miss out too. 

If friends are planning a trip to Borneo in two months, GO. Don't think "I might be pregnant then, I better not." Worst case scenario you have to cancel and you are possibly out money. It will be worth it. It will also be worth it if you take up a hobby, take a job, go back to school, buy clothes that can in no way be worn as maternity clothing, and spend time watching children you love, even if it hurts at the time. 

It won't be easy. It will all be worth it. 

Live. And remember you are not alone. 

*This post was inspired by Mo over at Mommy Odyssey. 

What I'm Keeping

For the past few weeks I have eaten like crap, drank copious amounts of Diet Pepsi and wine, not taken a single vitamin, and sung "pregnant women are smug" in my head every time I have encountered into someone with an obviously functioning reproductive system. I have basically wallowed in my infertility by setting fire to all of the work I had done trying to "fix" it.

But, now, it's probably time to move on. After all, just because I'm infertile doesn't mean I want to die young. Or fat. Or angry.

I am re-evaluating all of the things I was doing in the name of trying to get pregnant, and deciding what I want to keep in the name of having a healthier, and happier life. I can tell you right now though, all of the supplements are definitely not the "keeper" list. Neither is visualizing my uterus -- f it doesn't want to co-operate with me, the less I want to think about it. Oh, and the only sticks I am peeing on are the ones I will have to when camping.

I am going to recommit to healthier eating, especially cutting down on carbs in favor of protein and vegetables. I find when I do that I am not as hungry, and I feel better. So, while habit will tell me to reach for a bagel, it will now have to deal with the fact I will go for yogurt and fruit instead. And I am once again cutting back on wine and Diet Pepsi. Actually, in the case of the Pepsi I am attempting to cut it out again. I've read too much about other health effects to not feel like I'm drinking battery acid every time I pop open a can.

I am still torn on whether or not to continue with the acupuncture. On one hand, I really love it, and found it to be the high point of all of my fertility trials. On the other hand, the woman I was seeing is A) expensive, and 2) specializes in fertility. If I want to continue with it I need to find someone cheaper, who every time I see her isn't going to remind me of my rotten eggs. Maybe someone who specializes in weight loss...

So, that's my plan for now. Maybe next month I will try to stop singing the "smug" song too, but for right now, I'm holding on to that tune. I'l work on the not dying angry stuff later...

The "Why" Of It

I am having my worst period in recent memory right now. It's like my uterus is trying to make a break for it now that it knows I'm not going to try and grow anything in it any more. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if I woke up tomorrow to a crudely scrawled note reading "take care, Toots, taking the ovaries with me." Part of me would be willing to buy them a bus ticket.

I will never know why I wasn't able to get pregnant, which is why I think it took so long for me to reach the end of the line. All of my plumbing allegedly works. Yes, I was told I had "polycystic ovaries" but I have come to learn that really means "we aren't quite sure what's wrong, so here's something you can tell your friends." There are women with polycystic ovaries who get pregnant all the time, without any help. Some of the most fertile people I know have polycystic ovaries.

My husband's junk works too. In fact, when the fertility doctor first looked at his sperm counts he said they were "impressive." For a minute I thought Ryan was going to order a t-shirt to let the world know. I still feel bad that he will not have a biological child, because out of the two of us he really does have some traits the world of the future will need. He says he doesn't care, and I know he's telling me the truth, but there's still a part of me that feels I failed him in some way. I'm hoping that will go away as this process goes on.

I don't know if having a clear reason would really help though. I know women who know exactly why they can't get pregnant, and it doesn't seem to make it any easier. In the end, reason or not, we all feel left out and cheated, and then we have to decide what to do with those feelings.

Right now I'm drowning mine in Midol, and allowing myself to wallow until the bleeding stops. I figure I'll get back to "operation positive attitude" in two to three days.

I mean, unless my uterus gets out before then...

*Thank you all for your positive comments (and in one case really yummy cinnamon bread) after last week's post. Your support means a lot to me.

Moving On

It is time for me to make peace with the fact I will never bear a child.

Typing that is hard. Really hard. It makes it more real. I guess that's why I haven't done it until then.

I actually came to this realization about six weeks ago, about the last time I posted on this blog. I was in the middle of a total nervous breakdown, depressed to the point of feeling like the whole world would be better off without me. It wasn't my normal depression, there was something much worse -- an edge to it. It was distinctly hormonal. I googled prometrium and found it can have a profound effect on those with depression. And in that moment? I knew I had to be done.

It isn't just that one medication had a bad side effect. It was the culmination of all the things I have done in the past five years in the attempt to get that double line on a pregnancy test. It was the multiple ways I have beaten the shit out of myself -- physically and emotionally -- to achieve this goal. It was the fact that for half a decade I have focused on little but this, and the realization that I could be using that energy to another end.

I am not saying that this is an "all at once" change in attitude. To be honest, I am still ambivalent. I still have all the different tests in my cabinet, and I can't help but notice the consistency of certain bodily fluids. There is still that voice in my head saying "well, maybe if you..." but it slowly be drowned out by the bigger voice saying "this can be the end, and you will be okay."

I am sure there are some of you saying "well, she has a baby, so it's easier for her." It may be, because I've never been in anyone else's shoes. I don't know how hard it has been for them, only how hard it has been for me. And it has been hard. My body has failed me at something it was supposed to do; something that would affirm me as a woman; something that so many other people so maddeningly easily can do. It makes me angry, and sad, and makes me doubt there is a God.

That's why it's time for me to move on.

It's time for me to focus on the positive -- the "cans" instead of the "cannots."

If you want, I can continue sharing my journey here -- moving beyond a different kind of "Tired and Stuck."

I think it will be a good one.

In"fun"tility

I think one of the hardest things to remember when dealing with infertility is to keep your sense of humor; if not about being infertile, at least in general. Luckily, I have my husband to remind me.

I came home from having brunch with some friends yesterday, one of whom recently had a baby, and is now having a miserable time breastfeeding. No, not miserable, misery would probably be a step up from what my poor friend is suffering. I was telling Ryan about what was going on, and he asked why she doesn't just switch to formula. "Well," I said, "I guess it's like me not wanting to give up on the pregnancy thing. My body is SUPPOSED to do this. It's SUPPOSED to be an intergral part of who I am as a woman."

Ryan nodded, and took that in. Then, he spoke: "Why don't you let her use your boobs then and you can borrow her uterus?"

Damn, I love that man.

Now What?

Nothing demotivates me like the sight of a negative pregnancy test.

I know it shouldn't. I know I should reassure myself with the statistics, let myself know that I am on the right path, and that all the steps I am taking not only are for fertility but overall health. I should remind myself that the acupuncture and some of the supplements are helping with my anxiety. That watching what I eat and exercising are things I should be doing anyway. That getting in touch with my body through BBT charting and OPKs is a good thing to do.

I know I should be doing all of those things.

Instead I just want to drink a box of wine, put on my sweats and eat icing from a can. Oh, and warm my hands over a fire of all of the fertility books I have bought. It wouldn't be a small fire.

I will tell you right now there is nothing about how to overcome this feeling. That one they leave you to figure out on your own.

So, that's what I'm doing right now. Oh, and trying to determine if the four pounds I have put on is from the prometrium, or from pity eating.

I'll let you know how it goes. I think if I figure it out maybe I'll write a book of my own. "Kick Yourself in the Ass: A Guide to Dealing with Infertility When it is the Last Thing you Want to Do" is now the working title.

Progesterone Pain

Progesterone is a bitch.

The past two weeks have been filled with symptoms that had me absolutely sure I was knocked up. My boobs ached. My nipples would not be "at ease." I had light cramping in my lady zone. Smells were really bugging me. I was overly emotional. I seemed to be pudging out.

However, two pee sticks have confirmed I definitely do not have anything growing in my uterus, except maybe mold; and a quick Googling of "prometrium side effects" told me just why I have been feeling so funky. Oh, and since I took the last dose on Saturday the effect have been lessening. I don't think that's supposed to happen with pregnancy.

Still, I'm glad that at least the progesterone is doing something. It gives me hope that is is helping with something my body previously wasn't doing correctly. Now, we just have to get it doing the other parts correctly as well, at the same time, and voila, I will have good news to report.

Or maybe I'll just start playing the lottery. Sometimes it feels like those odds are better...

Waiting for the Flood

It has now been 48 days since my last period.

Longer than Noah was out at sea.

Longer than Jesus was in the desert.

Longer than "The Playboy Club" was on the air.

I'm not pregnant. I've taken several tests and each one has glared at me with a single line.

I would like to say this is unusual, but it really isn't. I have had cycles that have been longer, though not by much. I was getting hopeful though that things were getting more normal. The six to eight cycles before this one were average, or even on the short side. I felt I was finally getting a handle on exactly what was going on, and when. And with the new progesterone development? I was actually starting to get my hopes up!

Now this.

If this doesn't prove that my body is just messing with me, I don't know what does.

If only I could trade it in for another model. You know, one with a working reproductive system.

Oh, and maybe longer legs.

Trust Your Gut

I officially have low progesterone, and one fewer doctor.

I also have a renewed commitment to trusting my gut.

I had promised myself to only do what felt right following our foray into assisted reproduction. Too many times I had let myself be talked into or out of things by someone in a white coat to whom I was paying a large amount of money. I promised myself that this was my body, and my money and if I was going to try to get pregnant again it would be on my own terms, and only with things I wanted to do, that I really believed would work.

Then I met my naturopath and that all flew out the window.

Looking back now, I can admit that I was uneasy the first time I met her. Without so much as a history taken she had me try progesterone cream, and said things like "you can feel it working already, can't you." I didn't know what I was supposed to feel working, but I agreed. After all, I had been told this woman was really good at treating women outside of the bio-medical model, and the book she had me read before the visit really spoke to me. Also, I wanted to believe this would be the magic bullet. I didn't even mind that the first consult was 4-hundred dollars and that she didn't take insurance. I told myself any unease was because I just didn't understand her methods yet.

For the more than a year under her care I was on Metformin, progesterone, spironolactone, and a thyroid drug. For all that time I went to see her every two months and she would tell me how much better I was looking, how much more energy I had, and how my body was aligning itself. When I had a problem she would tell me it was a cyst and give me a progesterone shot. For more than a year I saw no real changes in my body, or my reproductive health. Still I agreed with all her assessements when I sat in her office. I wanted to believe.

Then I asked her for the progesterone level test. She said no, not until another consultation. And my eyes flew open.

I went to the web and actually looked up all of the drugs she had me on. While they can help, the levels she prescribed were too low to do anything. I also learned that no one really prescribes progesterone cream for an imbalance because the dose is too low and delivery inconsistent.

After I was done banging my head against a wall screaming "damn it, what happened to trusting yourself" I called my regular OB to see if she would order a progesterone test. She did. No big deal. When it came back low she called in a prescription for progesterone pills I will start on next cycle. No big deal. And she did it all without trying to convince me she was right.

Even better? I didn't have to convince myself.

ARGH!

I am beyond annoyed.

I have been tracking my basal temperature, and it appears that every month, after the spike showing ovulation, it falls off. Goes of a cliff. Enters an ice age. What does this mean? Well, it could mean many things, including a progesterone deficiency. The one thing that during all of the poking and prodding that was done to me -- I was never tested for. After all, they reasoned, my luteal phase was long enough, so the progesterone had to be there. Of course, as we all know from MB the length of the luteal phase is just one of the markers, a progesterone deficiency can still exist, even if there are a full 14 days after ovulation.

I was sure it was a break through! My acupuncturist thought so too, and said I should call my doctor and see if she would order a test. I decided to call my naturopath, who has ordered testing like this before, sure she would help me out. I had an appointment already scheduled, so we could discuss the results.

She refused to do it.

She said she doesn't order tests just because an "acupuncturist" has a theory. I told her about the basal charting. She said we could discuss it at my next appointment. I said by then it would be too late because according to all the books it needed to be tested seven days after ovulation. I said it would be another month down the drain. She still refused. Oh, then she asked if I was trying to get pregnant. I guess she has short term amnesia.

Now, I know that doctors can't just order tests whenever a patient wants them. But when a doctor is working on a certain problem with a patient, and a test could help get to the bottom of it, shouldn't they be interested in having it done, no matter where the idea came from? Especially when the year of other medications they have prescribed haven't made any difference?

It made me wonder if she was just waiting to get her fee for the next appointment before she would help. Yep, that's how distrustful her response has made me. It also makes me want to dump all the pills she has put me on, at some cost, down the toilet. And it definitely makes me wonder if I want her involved in this process any more.

So, what do you think? Am I being a baby? Or is she being unreasonably unhelpful?

Is Diet Pepsi Keeping Me Barren?

I have a love/hate relationship with Diet Pepsi. By that I mean I love it, and I hate it when anyone suggests we should part ways. Despite that, about once a year I try to stop. The reasons are usually the same: Aspartame causes cancer and all kids of health problems, giving it up will help me lose weight, or it's a bad habit for my daughter to emulate.

I usually last about 24 hours before I go crawling back.

I tell myself that lots of things cause cancer, that I only drink two day and there are lots of other things I can do to lose weight, and that it's not like I'm smoking it in front of Meg.

This time though? I've been off it four days and counting. The reason? Aspartame totally messes with your pH balance.

As anyone familiar with the MB program knows, getting the pH balance right in your body is the holy grail. Practically everything that is done with diet and supplements is about making the body not too acidic -- yet I have been sabotaging that every day just because I can't leave my fizzy lover behind.

The body's basic pH is 7.0-7.3. That's when it is firing on all cylinders. Aspartame's pH? 1.5. I have been pouring acid into my body while trying to make it perform a function (reproduction) that needs balance. According to the Aspartame experts in order to rebalance the body after the acid in one 12 ounce can of diet soda, a person has to drink 256 ounces of water. I would drink two Diet Pepsis in a day -- on an average. And I know I was not drinking 512 ounces of water. I know that because I don't have a hump and camel breath.

So, I'm off it. I actually haven't even been tempted by it this time. I think because if this is the thing that is keeping me from getting pregnant, I'm really pissed at myself. I mean, we were spending thousands of dollars every month on fertility treatments, and I may have been voiding them because there was a Pepsi machine in the lobby. Yeah, I know that probably wasn't the only reason, and that one little thing like that doesn't make all the difference.

But what if it does? That's all I can keeping thinking about.

Of course, now I think about things like that with a cup of tea in my hand.

Damn Cat

My basal body temperature taking is not going well, and it is all because of my cat.

You see, in order to get an accurate temperature you have to have three hours of uninterrupted sleep. That means no getting up to pee, no turning off your alarm clock, and definitely no climbing under your bed to reach out your meowing cat and throw his ass outside.

It isn't until I am slamming the door behind him, wondering how I can break into a sweat so quickly, and with so little effort, that I realize I should have taken my temperature before undertaking the endeavor.

I've tried locking him outside for the night, hoping that would do the trick, but he still finds ways to wake me up, usually starting a fight with another cat. Jumping out of bed and running into the backyard to throw a panful of water on two snarling felines definitely counts against "moving" in the basal body temp game.

I am thinking I am going to start setting an alarm. I am usually in bed by ten, so if I set it for two I should get the three hours. Then I could definitely get an accurate reading. Of course, there is the fact that I will be setting an alarm for 2am, in a bedroom I share with my husband. So, he might have something to say about it. And there is the fact that at 2am I am more likely to throw the thermometer out the window than stick it in my mouth.

This is why I like the pee sticks so much more... Totally cat proof.

More Pills

I'm trying the supplements again.

Not all of them, and not all at once. Been there, done there, still have the hospital bracelet to prove it. Oh, and the herbs are totally out. I tried taking them twice and both times my stomach threatened to leave my body, take my pancreas with it, and not leave a forwarding address.

So far I have started taking the prenatal vitamins and fish oil again, but not at the same time, with no real problems as long as I take them with food. If I don't? I get queasy and burp sushi all day. Not fun. Still, even that is a lot better than my previous experience.

I have also started taking a supplement that wasn't even on my radar before, but was recommended by my acupuncturist: CoQ10. It's an antioxidant that is supposed to be good for blood flow, especially in the pelvic region. It's in the book, but I didn't remember it. Out of all the things I underlined and starred and put on lists in the book, CoQ10 was completely overlooked. My acupuncturist says it could have a "clearing effect" like the herbs were supposed to, but is gentler and doesn't have me retching. That's always a good thing.

In addition to the hormones I was taking before, and the metformin, I am now on five pills a day to try and get me pregnant. That's down from the 13 I was taking before, not including the herbs, or the teas. It still seems like a lot to most, and still requires me to carry a pill tracker (yay, old lady supplies!) but it feels much better to me. My stomach feels a lot better to me.

I guess we'll just see how it goes from here.

What's The Temperature, Kenneth?

I am going to admit something shocking.

I have never tracked my basal body temperature.

I know. I know. I should be kicked out of the infertility club immediately.

It isn't that I haven't tried. I have bought numerous thermometers, and dutifully placed them by the side of the bed. Then I have awoken the next morning and walked right past them, only to remember with a "damn" once I was already in the shower.

Also, the whole thing just seems so ripe for misreadings. The fact that you are supposed to have slept just enough, but not too much; or else you have to do algebra to figure out what your actual temperature is has always been off putting. Does moving my leg out from under the covers mean I'm going to get the wrong reading? What about reaching out to grab the thermometer?

Truth be told, I don't see what my temperature will tell me that hasn't already been told to me by years of being poked, prodded, scoped, wanded, bled, and battered. It could tell me when my husband and I should being "doing it" (technical term), but the OPKs already tell us that, and, really, we keep our bases pretty well covered, if you know what I mean.

I am trying it again though, at the behest of my acupuncturist. She seems to think there is something in there that will help her know where to put the needles. I just hope she doesn't mind when the temperature is "damn" for a couple of the days.

If only they made a basal body thermometer that only worked in the shower....

Keep on Keepin' on?

I am the world's laziest perfectionist.

I think that I should do things absolutely to the letter perfect, immediately. When I don't? I like to quit.

You think I'm kidding don't you?

The short list of things that I have quit after not mastering them instantly includes: guitar lessons, Yoga Booty Ballet, Vietnamese language lessons, anything Jillian Michaels related, knitting, vegetable planting, short story writing, pie baking, and origami.

For the long list you have to contact the Library of Congress.

I am trying really hard not to quit "Making Babies."

Every time I slip and have a glass of wine, or don't stuff my gob with spinach and flax seeds for a meal I think "what's the point" and total abandon the plan. Then I abandon it some more. Then I try to get back. Then I slip again. Then I figure what's the point of doing this at all because I am not getting pregnant because I am obviously not following everything closely enough and I am obviously a huge failure and my uterus is obviously not organic or and chi balanced enough to grow a child in anyway so why even bother.

I have never quit self-hatred. I think if it were a course of study I would have at least a masters degree.

I don't really want to quit. I need to focus more on one mantra in the book "eighty percent is perfection" and know any small changes I make are still changes. I need to let myself slip, and then not push myself down afterwards.

That may be the hardest part of this whole thing.

So, here I go again.

Tepid

The "Making Babies" diet is not the easiest to follow in the summer. Hell, it's not a picnic any time, but during the summer there is a special problem: you are supposed to eat or drink almost every warm.

That's right. Nothing is supposed to be iced, or frozen, or deliciously crisp. It is all supposed to be at least slightly cooked in order to get the nutrients oozing out and into your blood. Cold things stop that ooze, and make your body work to get the nutrients out.

I don't know about you, but I hardly ever want a nice warm bowl of soup, or a hot cup of tea when it's 96 degrees outside.

I am trying my best to trade off though. If I eat warm veretables I let myself have a class of ice tea. If I eat something like gazpacho (with crab, yum), I try to make sure that not everything else in my meal is cold. Oh, and I try to drink warm tea in the morning every day while I can still fool myself into thinking it's not going to be a scortcher.

It's strange, because before this I had never thought about the way food was preapred making a difference in anything. I mean, I knew things that were deep fried, or dripping in sauce weren't exactly health food, but I figured a salad was just as good as steamed veggies. Better even in some cases.

I guess it all has to do with what you are trying to get out of your food. A size 2 bikini body? Stick with the salad, and make your body work to get it's nutrients. A baby? It's all about the heat.

Damn

I have now been off everything for three weeks. No hormones. No supplements. No herbs. I feel a TON better. No break through bleeding. No stomach problems. No emotional roller coaster. Oh, and no ovulation.

That's right, according to my trusty little pee sticks, my eggs have taken a hiatus. It is now day 21 and no double line has appeared.

So, what to do now?

I'm not really sure.

I think I need to start adding stuff back in.

With my next cycle, along with the new and improved "healthy living" initiative, I am going to restart with the hormone therapy. I am starting with that instead of the supplements since I know that didn't make me sick. I was on it for a year before I started the supplements, and never had problems. Of course, during that year I also didn't get pregnant, so I don't know if it was having an impact on my ovulation. In the next month I will track it and, if I begin ovulating again, stick with the hormones and flush the supplements.

If I don't? I will try a month on the supplements and see what happens.

My hope is that one or the other was causing ovulation, and that it was just the combo of both that caused the problems. I am hoping the combo wasn't responsible for both the good and the bad, because really, the bad was too bad to even think about the good.

I am hoping there is a simple solution to all of this that I am just overlooking.

I am hoping that I find that solution before all my hope, and patience, are gone.

Annnnnd, breathe.

Re-evaluating

I didn't post last Tuesday because I was in the emergency room. Well, actually, that's a lie. On Wednesday I was in the emergency room. On Tuesday I was writhing in my bed praying for sweet merciful death. By the time I finally went into the ER I was sure that my gall bladder had given up the ghost, or my pancreas was close to exploding. Neither turned out to be true. Instead, the doctor took a look at the long list of supplements, herbs, hormones, and metabolic pills I was taking and suggested that I might be overdoing it just a titch.

The next day I went to see my OB/GYN. I told her about the hormone therapy I had been doing for the past year, and the "Making Babies" program I had been since March. She nodded sympathetically, and then asked why I was making myself so sick and miserable. She said that from her standpoint none of the things I was doing were going to help in my getting pregnant. They wouldn't hurt, but they wouldn't help. If anything they would just have a placebo effect.

I started to cry.

I want this so badly to work. We can't go back to the assisted fertility model. That was destroying my body, and our marriage. But I obviously can't keep doing this in the way I have been doing it.

So, I'm not quite sure what's next. I have now been off all of the pills (other than my anti-depressant) for a week. I feel better. I am going to keep going to the acupuncturist because that makes me feel good. I am going to stay on the Metformin because it helps with my appetite, and I know it wasn't the culprit. I am off the supplements and the herbs. I think instead I will just try to hit hard healthy living stuff hard. Actually get out and walk and eat the way I should, instead of relying on a handful of pills to pick up the slack.

And I am going to be nice to myself. I am going to remember that I am not the sum of my reproductive parts.

I am going to enjoy what I have.

Desperate Measures

I'm making an appointment with my OB/GYN.

Yep, that's right, my old fashioned, medication loving, likes to tell me to just "relax," has no diet tips except Weight Watchers, has never stuck a needle in me except to draw blood, and who wouldn't know what to do with herbs unless they were on a salad OB/GYN.

I need to know what the hell is going on.

I mean, in some sense, I know what's going on. My naturopath OB has been treating me for PCOS with hormones, and was the one who diagnosed the cyst. However, I am now starting to feel like it is getting worse, or that something is going on in my body that shouldn't be. For the past three months I have cramped and heavily spotted on the days I am ovulating, or immediately after. My stomach is always upset. I am having hot flashes and nausea.

Not only do I feel crappy, but its making it hard to stay on the program. When my stomach is upset? All I want to do is eat carbs. I definitely don't want to swallow herbs or supplements. The spotting is doing to my mental state what the stomach woes are doing to my physical one. Every time it happens I think "what's the use, I obviously can't make babies" and go pour some wine.

I am not going to my traditional OB/GYN because I don't trust my naturopath or my acupuncturist. I think I have paid them both enough money to show my faith. It's just that I already know how both of them want to address this problem, and it isn't working. I need a perspective from someone who has been with me from the beginning of all of this, and who isn't afraid to throw a little western medicine at it. I mean, if this cyst needs to be removed, I want to know it now -- not when it bursts.

Maybe a third perspective is just what the doctor ordered.

I really hope so.

Not Getting the Picture

One of the key components of the "Making Babies" program is visualization. During each phase of my cycle I am supposed to visualize what is going on inside of me. I am supposed to see the eggs ripening, and the lining of my uterus thickening. I am supposed to see the egg fertilizing and making a comfy nest in my womb. I am supposed to see my body welcoming a new life force and nurturing it.

Yeah, I don't see any of that.

It's not that I don't want to see it, I really do. I would love to mentally will myself into getting pregnant. It isn't that I haven't tried it either. Every time I do try it though, my mind wanders. I start trying to picture the eggs forming, and then all of a sudden I wonder if I am picturing my ovaries correctly. Maybe I'm focusing on the wrong one. Maybe what I am picturing is not an ovary at all but my gall bladder. I don't want things growing in my gall bladder, then I wold have to have surgery. What if it's an alien growing in my gall bladder? Oh, I really should put "Aliens" on our Netflix cue. Or do we still have the DVD? No, I think we loaned that to someone and lost it. Who stole our copy of "Aliens?"

See? Lost cause.

Also, I always wonder how long I am supposed to visualize. Is 30 seconds enough? Do I need to do a full half hour? Is it something I need to check in with periodically all day? I need parameters to know when the visualizing is enough to knock me up, but not enough to bring about multiple births.

Oh, and did I mention that the visualizing is supposed to be relaxing? Yeah, it's a key component of the "de-stressing" part of MB. You know, because there really is nothing stressful about trying to have a baby, or following a program with a million parts, and powders, and pills, and diet changes.

If only the visualization came in pill form. I could just add it to the others.

I can picture it now.