the two faces of crinone

I realized last week (shortly after I ranted about how I had no way of knowing whether I'd ovulated due to the lack of temperature spike) that my temps were at least showing a rise in progesterone, however meager. So I started the crinone gel.

And hooo boy. That stuff isn't messing around.

First side effect I noticed: nausea. Then headaches, cramping, and major fatigue. Then, on my second full day of it, HOLY RAGE MONSTERS.

There's a bit of moodiness involved with the taking of this particular hormone, apparently. I will cry at anything. Anything. It's annoying. It can sneak up all surprise-like, which is extra annoying. It's frustrating because I know how I feel about things, and I don't feel like crying, but my body reacts involuntarily with grief, and then I'm in a puddle on the floor.

Yeah.

Anyway, the moodiness popped up after my last acupuncture appointment, which went well this time. I was so deliciously warm.

And.

Brace yourself for hippie madness.

I did not voluntarily imagine this, but it came into my mind like a vision. It is what it is. Hallucinations of a progesterone-addled mind, perhaps.

I saw a version of myself, nude, standing in the sand with a white-hot sun beating down on me. Icky creatures were crawling around my feet but I felt some sort of calm immunity from them. My hair was wild like it gets when you swim in the ocean and then dries all Medusa-like. I was holding an infant. A boy.

It just is what it is. I take it how I want to, which is as a transmission of hope.

Then I felt a surge of a need for action. A number of issues in my life rose to mind. I sensed I was stagnating on several fronts and needed to begin working much harder to move forward. K says my yang is stuck, and maybe it's stuck in more ways than one. In any case, I was inspired.

K said my pulse was stronger, which is a good sign. She advised me to continue to avoiding carbs, which I mostly failed at over the weekend but have revitalized my efforts this week. And she advised staying hydrated due to certain intestinal side effects of the progesterone.

I'm officially out of "gather vitality" herbs and still taking "jade moon phase 4," or worcestershire sauce as I like to call it.

And, in very good news, my temperatures look much better than they have in several cycles. They are actually above the cover line in the second half of my cycle. This is likely due to the crinone gel, which is why I'm happy to continue taking it, crazy-making though it is.

Not Getting the Picture

One of the key components of the "Making Babies" program is visualization. During each phase of my cycle I am supposed to visualize what is going on inside of me. I am supposed to see the eggs ripening, and the lining of my uterus thickening. I am supposed to see the egg fertilizing and making a comfy nest in my womb. I am supposed to see my body welcoming a new life force and nurturing it.

Yeah, I don't see any of that.

It's not that I don't want to see it, I really do. I would love to mentally will myself into getting pregnant. It isn't that I haven't tried it either. Every time I do try it though, my mind wanders. I start trying to picture the eggs forming, and then all of a sudden I wonder if I am picturing my ovaries correctly. Maybe I'm focusing on the wrong one. Maybe what I am picturing is not an ovary at all but my gall bladder. I don't want things growing in my gall bladder, then I wold have to have surgery. What if it's an alien growing in my gall bladder? Oh, I really should put "Aliens" on our Netflix cue. Or do we still have the DVD? No, I think we loaned that to someone and lost it. Who stole our copy of "Aliens?"

See? Lost cause.

Also, I always wonder how long I am supposed to visualize. Is 30 seconds enough? Do I need to do a full half hour? Is it something I need to check in with periodically all day? I need parameters to know when the visualizing is enough to knock me up, but not enough to bring about multiple births.

Oh, and did I mention that the visualizing is supposed to be relaxing? Yeah, it's a key component of the "de-stressing" part of MB. You know, because there really is nothing stressful about trying to have a baby, or following a program with a million parts, and powders, and pills, and diet changes.

If only the visualization came in pill form. I could just add it to the others.

I can picture it now.