Thursday, September 15, 2011


Ragey is a word I learned from Erin. I’m not sure if it has been officially added to Webster’s, but my personal definition is angry + crazy. To me, ragey is more than being mad. It’s being mad + slightly to severely unhinged. Thank God this is not how I feel all the time. It’s not even how I feel most of the time. But it is how I have been feeling for a couple of weeks.

I’m pretty pissed off, and I can’t fully explain why. Everything feels like an injustice. Everything feels like a struggle. Libby’s experience with her doctor makes me want to scream. Erin’s miscarriage makes me want to cry. Circumstances in my own life (related and unrelated to fertility) make me want to scream and cry.

The other week I had a full-blown, can’t-stop-crying, teenage-like breakdown in front of my dad. It was ugly and embarrassing, and he asked me twice if I was on my “monthlies.”

I have a friend whose primary symptom of pregnancy is emotional outburst, so after spending a day in tears, I took a pregnancy test. Negative. Since I still felt ragey a week later, I took another test. I’m only slightly exaggerating when I say I could hear the test scream NEGATIVE. It was so rude I felt like slapping it across its face.  To my credit, I managed to refrain from brawling with a pee stick and just threw the stupid thing in the trash. Two days later, I started my period.

One of the most annoying aspects of trying to conceive is how similar the symptoms are for PMS and early pregnancy.
  • Moodiness
  • Tender, swollen breasts
  • Fatigue
  • Backaches
  • Headaches
  • Acne
  • Weight gain
Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. I love being a girl, but I look at this list and shake my head in disbelief. How do we manage to put up with all this B.S. every month? It’s unbelievable.

I’ve decided I want a surprise pregnancy. I want to be so detached from my monthly cycle and my body that I don’t even notice I’m pregnant. You know, like those women who go to the bathroom at a rest stop and practically deliver a baby in the toilet. It doesn’t matter that they’ve never taken a prenatal in their life and that they’ve drank alcohol and caffeine and maybe even smoked every day of the last 10 months. Their baby is perfectly healthy and they didn’t even know it was growing inside of them.

Of course, I’m not serious. If that ever happened, I’d get ragey over the fact I missed the joys of pregnancy.  


  1. Girrrrl. You can only have that kind of pregnancy if you're a teenage crack whore. Sorry you're ragey right now. I'm a huge mess, too. Anything/everything sets me off. It only has to look slightly sad, like a bird sitting on a wire by itself, looking lonely. Or that evil TV show, "Parenthood."

  2. Must be something in the water. I'm ragey too. But Erin's right: You gotta be a cracked-out, miscreant, drain on society to have that kind of pregnancy.

    Was that too judgey? ;)

    I love you both, by the way.

  3. OR!! OR your husband would have to be a politician who showed his penis to everyone on the internet.

  4. "Monthlies..." :)

    With two daughters, and four granddaughters, and of course a wife, my Dad always asked if we "were being women."

    Like, "What's wrong with you, are you being a woman right now?"

  5. "Monthlies" got me too.


    But I hate that you're ragey. Hate it a bunch.

  6. Ragey encompasses everything I feel right now. That word my dear needs to be entered into the next Webster's :) I literally want to scream and cry simultaneously at least once a day now. My girlfriend said that it makes her feel better to stab a potato with a knife over and over again. But I think that would probably just make me hungry.

  7. I used to throw tissue boxes against the wall. It makes a big sound, but little damage to anything significant. XOXOXO

  8. Erin, you have an actual reason to be ragey! "Parenthood" and any other TV shows, movies or music like it should be avoided at all costs. In the meantime, let me know if you would like to borrow my Gilmore Girls collection.

    Shell, you also have a good reason to be ragey. Four months of hormone build up?! My head would explode.

    "Monthlies" also made me laugh, especially since I never heard him say that during the teenage years.

    The good news is writing about feeling ragey somehow made me feel more normal. Maybe it's out of my system ... at least for a few weeks.

  9. I'm having the ragies too. I don't have too much to say about it without getting into details, but let it be known that has to do with shit being unfair. And pregnant ex's.

    BTW- I LOVE Parenthood. But it can hit a little close to home sometimes.

  10. You know what I think - you're hitting your cathartic point. After quite a long time, my beautiful. Since it's been so long in coming, it is likely to be a whopper. I wish I could come over with a bottle of wine, some snacks and nail polish, and watch bad TV while vent and rage and cry and laugh.
    Missing you millions and millions and millions...

  11. Well, I know I'm a sympathetic cryer (especially where you're concerned) but am I also a sympathetic rager? I don't know. If I was able to I'd come over and see if I could share that with you too my beautiful friend. (I'm crying while I'm writing this, by the way). If your rage was as contagious as your tears we could try the stabbing produce trick or the kleenex box trick (both great ideas) and if all else failed I'd love to just sit with you in the ashes and you could cry with me the way I've cried with you so many times. Love you so much, Faith