What food can do to you

I subject my facebook friends to my hippie leanings on practically a daily basis, and today it's your turn.

There is no way I can possibly stress enough the importance of avoiding genetically modified food, and food that has been treated with pesticides, especially if you are trying to get pregnant. This stuff wreaks havoc on the human body. I can point you toward any number of resources if you're interested in more information on this stuff. For today what I've got is a 12-minute video of an interview with a farmer from Iowa whose pigs became sterile when they were fed genetically modified corn. When he brought this to the attention of the seed manufacturer, Monsanto, he was figuratively slapped down like an annoying fly. This company and others like it care about one thing, and one thing only: Making as much money as they can. They don't care how this could affect generations of humans.

Please, please, please avoid genetically modified food and choose organic whenever possible. And please be aware that genetically modified corn is in almost every processed food that exists in the form of corn syrup and other additives.

The GMO corn this guy fed to his pigs contained something that mimics estrogen. How in the world can we maintain a healthy hormonal balance when we're, in essence, unknowingly adding extra hormones into our bodies? 

The "Why" Of It

I am having my worst period in recent memory right now. It's like my uterus is trying to make a break for it now that it knows I'm not going to try and grow anything in it any more. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if I woke up tomorrow to a crudely scrawled note reading "take care, Toots, taking the ovaries with me." Part of me would be willing to buy them a bus ticket.

I will never know why I wasn't able to get pregnant, which is why I think it took so long for me to reach the end of the line. All of my plumbing allegedly works. Yes, I was told I had "polycystic ovaries" but I have come to learn that really means "we aren't quite sure what's wrong, so here's something you can tell your friends." There are women with polycystic ovaries who get pregnant all the time, without any help. Some of the most fertile people I know have polycystic ovaries.

My husband's junk works too. In fact, when the fertility doctor first looked at his sperm counts he said they were "impressive." For a minute I thought Ryan was going to order a t-shirt to let the world know. I still feel bad that he will not have a biological child, because out of the two of us he really does have some traits the world of the future will need. He says he doesn't care, and I know he's telling me the truth, but there's still a part of me that feels I failed him in some way. I'm hoping that will go away as this process goes on.

I don't know if having a clear reason would really help though. I know women who know exactly why they can't get pregnant, and it doesn't seem to make it any easier. In the end, reason or not, we all feel left out and cheated, and then we have to decide what to do with those feelings.

Right now I'm drowning mine in Midol, and allowing myself to wallow until the bleeding stops. I figure I'll get back to "operation positive attitude" in two to three days.

I mean, unless my uterus gets out before then...

*Thank you all for your positive comments (and in one case really yummy cinnamon bread) after last week's post. Your support means a lot to me.

Moving On

It is time for me to make peace with the fact I will never bear a child.

Typing that is hard. Really hard. It makes it more real. I guess that's why I haven't done it until then.

I actually came to this realization about six weeks ago, about the last time I posted on this blog. I was in the middle of a total nervous breakdown, depressed to the point of feeling like the whole world would be better off without me. It wasn't my normal depression, there was something much worse -- an edge to it. It was distinctly hormonal. I googled prometrium and found it can have a profound effect on those with depression. And in that moment? I knew I had to be done.

It isn't just that one medication had a bad side effect. It was the culmination of all the things I have done in the past five years in the attempt to get that double line on a pregnancy test. It was the multiple ways I have beaten the shit out of myself -- physically and emotionally -- to achieve this goal. It was the fact that for half a decade I have focused on little but this, and the realization that I could be using that energy to another end.

I am not saying that this is an "all at once" change in attitude. To be honest, I am still ambivalent. I still have all the different tests in my cabinet, and I can't help but notice the consistency of certain bodily fluids. There is still that voice in my head saying "well, maybe if you..." but it slowly be drowned out by the bigger voice saying "this can be the end, and you will be okay."

I am sure there are some of you saying "well, she has a baby, so it's easier for her." It may be, because I've never been in anyone else's shoes. I don't know how hard it has been for them, only how hard it has been for me. And it has been hard. My body has failed me at something it was supposed to do; something that would affirm me as a woman; something that so many other people so maddeningly easily can do. It makes me angry, and sad, and makes me doubt there is a God.

That's why it's time for me to move on.

It's time for me to focus on the positive -- the "cans" instead of the "cannots."

If you want, I can continue sharing my journey here -- moving beyond a different kind of "Tired and Stuck."

I think it will be a good one.