Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The "Why" Of It

I am having my worst period in recent memory right now. It's like my uterus is trying to make a break for it now that it knows I'm not going to try and grow anything in it any more. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if I woke up tomorrow to a crudely scrawled note reading "take care, Toots, taking the ovaries with me." Part of me would be willing to buy them a bus ticket.

I will never know why I wasn't able to get pregnant, which is why I think it took so long for me to reach the end of the line. All of my plumbing allegedly works. Yes, I was told I had "polycystic ovaries" but I have come to learn that really means "we aren't quite sure what's wrong, so here's something you can tell your friends." There are women with polycystic ovaries who get pregnant all the time, without any help. Some of the most fertile people I know have polycystic ovaries.

My husband's junk works too. In fact, when the fertility doctor first looked at his sperm counts he said they were "impressive." For a minute I thought Ryan was going to order a t-shirt to let the world know. I still feel bad that he will not have a biological child, because out of the two of us he really does have some traits the world of the future will need. He says he doesn't care, and I know he's telling me the truth, but there's still a part of me that feels I failed him in some way. I'm hoping that will go away as this process goes on.

I don't know if having a clear reason would really help though. I know women who know exactly why they can't get pregnant, and it doesn't seem to make it any easier. In the end, reason or not, we all feel left out and cheated, and then we have to decide what to do with those feelings.

Right now I'm drowning mine in Midol, and allowing myself to wallow until the bleeding stops. I figure I'll get back to "operation positive attitude" in two to three days.

I mean, unless my uterus gets out before then...

*Thank you all for your positive comments (and in one case really yummy cinnamon bread) after last week's post. Your support means a lot to me.


  1. I do think the lack of "why" makes the hold on hope even stronger. I'm sorry your husband's stellar junk is going to waste and good luck on operation positive attitude :)

  2. I've always admired your husband's baby batter.

  3. I hope it's not TMI to point out PCOS tends to make Aunt Flo a bitch. But I wouldn't wish the easy weight gain, excess pimples and body hair and mood swings on you for the world. I can tell you Sam was only conceived after I reached this point - where I gave up. But the sad thing about PCOS is that even doctors really don't know what they're talking about. It got really frustrating to know I knew so much more about my own body than any number of people holding multiple advanced degrees, but to be powerless to fix myself, you know?

  4. I wanted to cancel the word "why" from the dictionary after ending my infertility journey. Why do I now get my period every 30 days like clockwork when I never got my period before? I mean, maybe twice a year, and now at least 12 times. Yay me, who doesn't want a monthly reminder of what they can't have?

    Anyway... I'm sorry you're bleeding like a stuck hog. Especially since I'm a vegan. :O)

  5. Unexplained infertility is one of the universe's cruelest jokes. I just hope that now that you're looking in a different direction, your uterus will at least behave and stop being an asshole. And may I suggest wine?