Typing that is hard. Really hard. It makes it more real. I guess that's why I haven't done it until then.
I actually came to this realization about six weeks ago, about the last time I posted on this blog. I was in the middle of a total nervous breakdown, depressed to the point of feeling like the whole world would be better off without me. It wasn't my normal depression, there was something much worse -- an edge to it. It was distinctly hormonal. I googled prometrium and found it can have a profound effect on those with depression. And in that moment? I knew I had to be done.
It isn't just that one medication had a bad side effect. It was the culmination of all the things I have done in the past five years in the attempt to get that double line on a pregnancy test. It was the multiple ways I have beaten the shit out of myself -- physically and emotionally -- to achieve this goal. It was the fact that for half a decade I have focused on little but this, and the realization that I could be using that energy to another end.
I am not saying that this is an "all at once" change in attitude. To be honest, I am still ambivalent. I still have all the different tests in my cabinet, and I can't help but notice the consistency of certain bodily fluids. There is still that voice in my head saying "well, maybe if you..." but it slowly be drowned out by the bigger voice saying "this can be the end, and you will be okay."
I am sure there are some of you saying "well, she has a baby, so it's easier for her." It may be, because I've never been in anyone else's shoes. I don't know how hard it has been for them, only how hard it has been for me. And it has been hard. My body has failed me at something it was supposed to do; something that would affirm me as a woman; something that so many other people so maddeningly easily can do. It makes me angry, and sad, and makes me doubt there is a God.
That's why it's time for me to move on.
It's time for me to focus on the positive -- the "cans" instead of the "cannots."
If you want, I can continue sharing my journey here -- moving beyond a different kind of "Tired and Stuck."
I think it will be a good one.
Thanks for sharing, lib. You write beautifuly about this....
ReplyDeleteI think I've probably said this before, I can't remember. When we were going through the adoption process here in the UK, the social workers wouldn't allow a couple to adopt a child until they'd got to the stage you are at now. They talked about going through the grieving process of not being able to conceive.
ReplyDeleteI always thought it was unfair, and once again the Social workers were playing God, but as time went on, and knowing how tough the adoption process is, I kinda understood that maybe you do need to get some form of closure before you can move on.
But what do I know, I could be wrong.
I think moving away from the negative and into the positive is a great way to start the new year ...
ReplyDeleteOh, Libby. I'm so sorry to hear all of this. But please don't think that's what's needed to be affirmed as a woman. You've done that in a million other wonderful ways.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts are with you Libby.
ReplyDeleteWhen I did what you're doing, when I came to grips with the fact that I would not birth a child, I felt relief.
ReplyDeletePure, genuine, relief. I was sick of the testing, the looking, the touching, the probing, the sticking. And I was glad to know that it was all over.
By the way, I don't think you'll ever stop checking the TP. Sigh.
Eloquent and brave, my friend.
ReplyDeleteWell written! Proud of your strength to move on. Hugs, Libby.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing something so close to the heart. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteThere is power in making this decision. Very well put
ReplyDeleteThank you. Your post means more to me than I can express. Your words made it "ok" in my head to say enough. It may take me a few more months to actually say it out loud, but this was huge for me.
ReplyDeleteTotally hear you, sister. I've been there. It does get easier.
ReplyDeleteYou are a brave woman. I am still struggling with coming to this realization myself. I hope that there is much happiness in your future.
ReplyDeleteThis post is everything that has been in my head for the past two years and then some.
ReplyDeleteIt's an emotionally tough moment of realization though- but I want to say thank you for writing this. Your words were comforting to me.
It feels like this is definitely the right thing to do for your own sanity. Good for you, I admire your courage and the fact that you know your own limits. That is a true sign of your strength.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteLetting go of the idea of what we 'can't' have can be so freeing. I hope it is for you! Let 2012 be the year of happiness, acceptance, and 'can'. :)
ReplyDelete...and I think that even if I had an adopted precious little girl, I would still have had the IF emotional struggle.
I appauld your courage. There is nothing that I can say that will change the grief you feel but I sincerely hope that you will be happy where ever your path may lead.
ReplyDeleteFocus on the cans rather than the cannots. That's good advice no matter what the issue.
ReplyDeleteI wish you all the positives in the world, Libby.