rite of passage

Today our anonymous submitter from April has another piece for us to read. It's about something most of us in the (in)fertility game have done at least once, often a few times. Results vary. Personally, I'm enjoying the injection of a little humor, as I'm currently entertaining Aunt Flo. Hope you enjoy, too.

Last week, I got to experience something all new to me in the world of babymaking: I took my partner's sperm sample for testing. You know, just in case I'm not the only one with the infertility problem here (Yeah. Right).

A few days before our appointment, I made sure to get specific details from the lab on the who/what/when/where/and how of sperm sample delivery. According to this office in particular, the sample can be retrieved from home or there in the office, but it must be checked in for testing within one hour. I knew this would be the tricky part because my partner usually clocks in to work at 7:50AM, which means he leaves the house by 7:35AM, but the lab only opened at 8:30AM and was a good 30 minutes away from our house. I'm no math whiz and even I knew that meant I would need to have my game face when it came to delivering the goods.

So the morning of the appointment everything at home went off without a hitch. My partner and I wished each other a great day and I was on my way. As soon as I was on the road, this crazy James Bond 007 feeling came over me. It was like I was on a top-secret mission, dodging bullets, jumping cars to get this prized possession to an undisclosed location. The whole drive, I held the sample cup in between my legs because the sample needed to be kept at body temperature. I was kind of like a mother chicken. I felt like I needed those Baby on Board decals covering every inch of my car. DON'T PEOPLE KNOW I'M IN A HURRY??!? THIS IS A SPERM EMERGENCY!!! I probably studied the clock on my dashboard more than I did the road in front of me.

I ended up arriving at the testing facility with 15 minutes to spare. I have no idea how that happened. "Yes!" I thought, "Mission: Accomplished!!!" I was the first and only patient in the office. The receptionist handed me worksheet after worksheet to fill out. I felt like yelling at her "THIS SPERM ONLY HAS 15 MINUTES, YOU KNOW!?!??!!?!" but I didn't want her to press the secret under-the-desk buttons that you use when a crazy person is nearby and you want to summon the SWAT team.

The whole appointment only took about 10 minutes, but it seemed like the most valuable 10 minutes of my life. We haven't received the results yet because of last week's holiday. Until we do, I'll be on the edge of my 007 seat.