a new drug

So I asked my doctor for progesterone and ... she prescribed it! Wonders will never cease when it comes to Dr. C. Why in the world I couldn't get a fertility specialist to test me for progesterone, I will never understand. Oh wait, I do: it's all about the money.

I'll be taking crinone gel. Please tell me you've heard wonderful things about this stuff and any tips/tricks you know when it comes to using it.

Meanwhile the battle of the bulge continues and I've embarked on the Paleo Diet. I know -- so obnoxious. It's one of the most restrictive diets I've been on, since it doesn't allow most dairy, legumes, or any grains. But after a lot of reading, I believe there is actually a significant amount of scientific evidence that backs up this way of eating.

And, there's also a butt-ton of evidence that the American government can't be trusted when it comes to what we should eat. Their food recommendations are always going to be tainted by the whispers of food lobbyists, who need us to keep eating corn syrup and getting cancer so they can make a lot of money.

Aside from all that, I'm just trying to relax. As the infertiles are constantly commanded to do. I should probably stop reading blogs, in that case. Today I read a blog written by an apparently fertile woman who was telling the quaint and adorable story of how she found out she was pregnant. This happens frequently. I read a blogger when she's single. Then I read about her wedding plans. And then I know it's coming ... she gets pregnant. Life keeps chugging along for some and stalls for others.

And then I read another blog by an infertile who finally had a kid after three IVFs, and her message of the day was basically: Don't sit on your hands. Make this happen for yourself. It's not how you imagined it was going to be, but you're going to have to accept that and start getting pushy with your doctors if you want this to happen.

It really rang true with me, since I do feel like I've sat on my hands quite a bit, waiting for a miracle. Thankfully, I started facing reality after the last miscarriage. Hence the battery of tests, and now the progesterone. I really only plan to give progesterone one or two cycles before I move on to something with a little more oomph. Time only moves forward and it's time to un-stall this process.

What I'm Keeping

For the past few weeks I have eaten like crap, drank copious amounts of Diet Pepsi and wine, not taken a single vitamin, and sung "pregnant women are smug" in my head every time I have encountered into someone with an obviously functioning reproductive system. I have basically wallowed in my infertility by setting fire to all of the work I had done trying to "fix" it.

But, now, it's probably time to move on. After all, just because I'm infertile doesn't mean I want to die young. Or fat. Or angry.

I am re-evaluating all of the things I was doing in the name of trying to get pregnant, and deciding what I want to keep in the name of having a healthier, and happier life. I can tell you right now though, all of the supplements are definitely not the "keeper" list. Neither is visualizing my uterus -- f it doesn't want to co-operate with me, the less I want to think about it. Oh, and the only sticks I am peeing on are the ones I will have to when camping.

I am going to recommit to healthier eating, especially cutting down on carbs in favor of protein and vegetables. I find when I do that I am not as hungry, and I feel better. So, while habit will tell me to reach for a bagel, it will now have to deal with the fact I will go for yogurt and fruit instead. And I am once again cutting back on wine and Diet Pepsi. Actually, in the case of the Pepsi I am attempting to cut it out again. I've read too much about other health effects to not feel like I'm drinking battery acid every time I pop open a can.

I am still torn on whether or not to continue with the acupuncture. On one hand, I really love it, and found it to be the high point of all of my fertility trials. On the other hand, the woman I was seeing is A) expensive, and 2) specializes in fertility. If I want to continue with it I need to find someone cheaper, who every time I see her isn't going to remind me of my rotten eggs. Maybe someone who specializes in weight loss...

So, that's my plan for now. Maybe next month I will try to stop singing the "smug" song too, but for right now, I'm holding on to that tune. I'l work on the not dying angry stuff later...

What food can do to you

I subject my facebook friends to my hippie leanings on practically a daily basis, and today it's your turn.

There is no way I can possibly stress enough the importance of avoiding genetically modified food, and food that has been treated with pesticides, especially if you are trying to get pregnant. This stuff wreaks havoc on the human body. I can point you toward any number of resources if you're interested in more information on this stuff. For today what I've got is a 12-minute video of an interview with a farmer from Iowa whose pigs became sterile when they were fed genetically modified corn. When he brought this to the attention of the seed manufacturer, Monsanto, he was figuratively slapped down like an annoying fly. This company and others like it care about one thing, and one thing only: Making as much money as they can. They don't care how this could affect generations of humans.

Please, please, please avoid genetically modified food and choose organic whenever possible. And please be aware that genetically modified corn is in almost every processed food that exists in the form of corn syrup and other additives.

The GMO corn this guy fed to his pigs contained something that mimics estrogen. How in the world can we maintain a healthy hormonal balance when we're, in essence, unknowingly adding extra hormones into our bodies? 

Tepid

The "Making Babies" diet is not the easiest to follow in the summer. Hell, it's not a picnic any time, but during the summer there is a special problem: you are supposed to eat or drink almost every warm.

That's right. Nothing is supposed to be iced, or frozen, or deliciously crisp. It is all supposed to be at least slightly cooked in order to get the nutrients oozing out and into your blood. Cold things stop that ooze, and make your body work to get the nutrients out.

I don't know about you, but I hardly ever want a nice warm bowl of soup, or a hot cup of tea when it's 96 degrees outside.

I am trying my best to trade off though. If I eat warm veretables I let myself have a class of ice tea. If I eat something like gazpacho (with crab, yum), I try to make sure that not everything else in my meal is cold. Oh, and I try to drink warm tea in the morning every day while I can still fool myself into thinking it's not going to be a scortcher.

It's strange, because before this I had never thought about the way food was preapred making a difference in anything. I mean, I knew things that were deep fried, or dripping in sauce weren't exactly health food, but I figured a salad was just as good as steamed veggies. Better even in some cases.

I guess it all has to do with what you are trying to get out of your food. A size 2 bikini body? Stick with the salad, and make your body work to get it's nutrients. A baby? It's all about the heat.

Incentives, Part 2

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing … that’s why we recommend it daily.” ~Zig Ziglar

Behavior modification is not my favorite. I spent most of this last week trying to think of some really good incentives to help keep me motivated. Gold stars aren’t going to cut it.

So, I made myself a little chart (it’s really more like a daily journal page), and I listed out all my supplements and left space for writing in what I ate that day. I also created a space for writing in my caffeine and alcohol consumption, both of which I do not plan to kick completely out of my diet. And at the bottom of the page is a section for recording any exercise.

I’ve decided to focus on supplements and healthy eating in April and to hold off adding exercise until May. One new thing a month might be all I can handle.

I’m focusing my efforts on weight loss. Like Erin, I think this could really improve my fertility. Unfortunately, I have this annoying habit of losing and regaining the same 2 pounds every week, which needs to stop. Right now.

I’ve decided I’m going to pay myself $10 for every pound I lose. After the first 10 pounds, the price will go up. At first I was thinking of rewarding myself by buying a bottle of wine, but that might be counterproductive. Anyway, I’ll set the money aside and when I hit 10 pounds, I can spend it on whatever I want.

Regarding the supplements, I need some tiny reward I can give myself daily for a job well done. I’m thinking if I take all my supplements one day, then the next day I can buy myself a KeVita or Kombucha. These drinks are super healthy, but I definitely think of them as a treat. On the weekends, maybe I’ll get a latte.  

I need change to be slow enough that I stick to it but the results to be fast enough that I stay motivated. Plus, I need to be able to cheat without derailing my diet. Yes, I'm hoping for a miracle.

(Fair warning: Not everyone loves my funky health drinks as much as I do. You may think they are grosser than royal jelly.)

How I Eat Now

I have been eating everything I shouldn't if I want to get pregnant.

I mean, I kind of suspected I was. I am not a very healthy eater. I am extremely picky, and at certain times in my life subsisted on pasta and Taco Bell because I didn't want to eat anything else. I didn't worry about it when we started trying to get pregnant though because all of the doctors told me it didn't really matter. After all, they were pumping me full of hormones, so what impact could a tossed salad really have? Every time I would ask they would tell me if I wanted to lose a few pounds I could change my diet, but really that would be the only reason. I always laughed at that, since it was the hormones that had caused me to swell well beyond my comfortable weight. The minute I went off, I dropped ten pounds.

One of the key components of "Making Babies" is eating well. They say the naturally fertile eat a "rainbow" of foods. I don't think they mean a rainbow of various colors of beige. So, all of a sudden I am having to open my maw and choke down things I haven't eaten in years, if at all.

I started with foods that could be dipped or hidden in other foods. Carrots are amazing in that way, as is spinach. Then I started putting various vegetables in with my pasta. I made myself start with them, eating the pasta last as a reward, and to get the taste out of my mouth. I am now starting on eating fruit. Berries are easy mixed with yogurt, but whole fruit like apples and oranges are tougher. I mean, they just take so long. All that chewing. And don't even get me started on "salads."

There is one great thing about eating differently though, I mean other that the fact it could improve my fertility and help me not die when my daughter is six, and that is that I am thinking more about what I eat. I am no longer just grabbing something when I am having a sugar crash, but considering what I have not eaten for the day, and what I still need. I shop more carefully, looking at labels. I try to buy fresh and organic, and (gulp) eat it before it goes rancid. It's not just a different way of eating, but also thinking.

Hopefully it is a small change that will lead to bigger changes later. You know, like having two children.

Starting Out

I expect to fully be following the "Making Babies" plan by the end of April.

I know, I know, no time like the present. I should be jumping right in, taking the bull by the horns, seizing the day, not letting moss grow under my feet, catching the worm, and other maxims that look great on samplers and in Robin Williams movies. Unfortunately, I am not that kind of person. I am a frog.

Oh, come on, you all know the story about the frog. You put one in a pot of boiling water and it jumps right out. However, if you put it in cool water, and then slowly up the temperature, it doesn't even notice that it's getting cooked. I am a frog. If I try to implement all of these changes at once, I will go running to the nearest 7-11 for Twinkies, a 40 ounce and spermicide. However, if I make the changes gradually, letting my life adjust to each one before moving on, I just might end up cooked.

You all know that by cooked I mean pregnant, right?

I am starting out with my diet. Slowly I am introducing things I should be eating, and taking out the things I shouldn't. I'm still doing whole grains half-assed, but I have given up my daily refined flour bagel with "creme cheeze." I am cutting down on the diet soda, and on the wine, hoping that will make it easier to quit both completely later on. Oh, and I am eating vegetables AND fruit. Not in cocktails either, like as vegetables and fruit. I know, it's weird, and seems totally unnatural. Oh, and I am still letting myself lapse, having pasta, or pizza with nothing but cheese when I want it. I'm easing in, letting myself know that it will all be okay, and getting used to the changes one by one. And I'm not jumping out of the pot.

After this I plan tackle the acupuncture, the exercise, the supplements, and all the things I'll to do to "get to know" my cervix.

I might need until mid-May...