I had this whole thing written about how my period was really late this month and I took a pregnancy test and for a second I thought it was telling me I was pregnant and then I realized it was negative and then I woke up in a puddle of blood the next morning, but let's just skip over the woe-is-me bull shit, shall we?
Because while I am pissed off and I do feel sorry for myself, I don't need or want you feeling sorry for me, because oh my god. That makes it even worse.
And also, fuzzy baby heads make me want to drive off a cliff. But that's neither here nor there.
The new news, other than NOT being pregnant (again, shockingly) is that in a couple of days I get to have my very first fertility tests and holy shit am I ready to find out what the hell is going on. It's only a blood test, so I'm trying not to expect too much, but still. It's Step 1. If nothing shows up in Step 1, I might go on a bender, but then I'll proceed semi-calmly to Step 2, whatever in holy hell that is.
Sidenote: I did not mean for this post to be as angry (if not angrier) as last week's. This was going to be the hopeful post. So: sorry.
Anyway, if my doctor doesn't suck, I should have results by this time next week. I might have a clue by this time next week. Which would be so radical and new for us.
On the other hand, we may have nothing. Which would be the same as it ever was.
Meanwhile, I've been realizing that I've all but abandoned the principles laid out in "Making Babies." The only things I'm still doing are taking supplements and tracking ovulation.
The book calls itself "a proven three month program for maximum fertility," but at no time since I bought this book in February have I adhered strictly to the program, or even eighty percent to the program, as the book advises. How can I possibly expect maximum fertility, in that case?
So I'm going to start over, at the beginning. Initially I tore through the book so quickly, searching for answers, there was no way I fully absorbed all of the information in it.
"One in eight couples in the United States has trouble getting or staying pregnant ... Right now more than nine million American women seek treatment for fertility issues every year, and their partners need treatment, too."
This book was like salve on a burn when I first cracked it open and read those words. I think it's time to read them again.