Monday, July 25, 2011

Keep on Keepin' on?

I am the world's laziest perfectionist.

I think that I should do things absolutely to the letter perfect, immediately. When I don't? I like to quit.

You think I'm kidding don't you?

The short list of things that I have quit after not mastering them instantly includes: guitar lessons, Yoga Booty Ballet, Vietnamese language lessons, anything Jillian Michaels related, knitting, vegetable planting, short story writing, pie baking, and origami.

For the long list you have to contact the Library of Congress.

I am trying really hard not to quit "Making Babies."

Every time I slip and have a glass of wine, or don't stuff my gob with spinach and flax seeds for a meal I think "what's the point" and total abandon the plan. Then I abandon it some more. Then I try to get back. Then I slip again. Then I figure what's the point of doing this at all because I am not getting pregnant because I am obviously not following everything closely enough and I am obviously a huge failure and my uterus is obviously not organic or and chi balanced enough to grow a child in anyway so why even bother.

I have never quit self-hatred. I think if it were a course of study I would have at least a masters degree.

I don't really want to quit. I need to focus more on one mantra in the book "eighty percent is perfection" and know any small changes I make are still changes. I need to let myself slip, and then not push myself down afterwards.

That may be the hardest part of this whole thing.

So, here I go again.


  1. Hi there. I have no idea how I came across your blog, but I've been reading for a little while now and feel compelled to comment today. I just wanted to say that I totally understand your "laziest perfectionist" point. I am the exact same way (though I've never really thought about it in detail like that!), and it's reassuring to me to know that there are other people out there like me. I always struggle to push through on projects that I do not succeed in quickly. Case in point, I feel this way about trying to conceive. Though my husband and I just got started not too long ago, my natural inclination was to give up after a couple months of trying. Not that we're going to, surely, but my perfectionist self was very disappointed (heartbroken and devestated) at what felt like failure. Thankfully, my husband is the opposite -- goal oriented and loves to struggle through, so he's a fantastic influence. So, not that I can really give advice, but I just wanted to give you some comraderie that you're totally not alone in feeling that way!

  2. I do hope it's a consolation that I am constantly battling the same things. All we can do is keep trying, and hopefully supporting each other will help us stay in line. It is so not easy, by a long shot.

  3. Found you via Twitter today and wanted to say hi. I look forward to reading more!

  4. I have quit 3/4 of the things on your list. Only 3/4, because I didn't even KNOW there was such a thing as Yoga Booty Ballet, wouldn't think of actually trying to learn a language besides pig latin, because my memory is shot, and I'm going to give myself half a score on the pie baking thing. I think my apple pie rocks, although my husband thinks differently, jerk.

    Don't get frustrated, if you are doing 80%, I think you are doing great.

  5. 80% = sanity, dear Libby. The book even says if you shoot for 100, you'll slip and fail and feel bad. I also try to remind myself that any meal that I DO intake healthy stuff I wouldn't normally is a WIN. It's all about baby steps. Ha. Ha.

    You are so not alone in this. In finding it all to be a long-ass journey. In trying things that don't work, and then trying other things, and other things. In not excelling at some of those things. In feeling despair, in feeling frustration, in feeling FUCK-IT-ALL-I'M-GONNA-EAT-A-WHOLE-TUB-OF-BEN-AND-JERRY'S-BECAUSE-IT-IS-GOOD-FOR-MY-SOUL. :)

    What I'm trying to say is: we support you. Your fellow bloggers in this space and all your readers. We support and cheer when you sprinkle the damn flaxseed on the 60% vegetables, and we pat your back and say it's OK and help you back on the wagon when you've finished that pint of Phish Food or Chubby Hubby.


  6. Oh, hells yeah: I could have totally written this post. I am trying to just focus on 1 or 2 things that I do 80% I probably equal out to like 37%, but hey. Some health is better than no health, babies or no babies. Hang in there!

  7. I've done the math. If 80% is perfection, then 60% is a strong C. Which means we only have to get things right a little more than half the time. (This is what I tell myself, anyway.)