My husband's hair dresser knows about the miscarriage because she also recently had a miscarriage and these days when someone we haven't seen in a while asks: "How are you? What's been going on?" here's an approximation of the answer that runs through our heads: "Miscarriagemiscarriagemiscarriage."
Sometimes, if it's too much information for that particular person, we just say "same old" and proceed with some how's-the-weather kind of conversation.
Anyway, Liz, the hair dresser, knows about the miscarriage. She told him at his last appointment to be wary of my reaction when I finally did get my period because it's kind of like a reminder of the whole incident and can be pretty emotional.
Living in denial, as I tend to do on a regular basis, I viewed the impending period as exactly what it was. Just another period. And then it arrived and turned out to be more than that.
My reaction wasn't even conscious. I wasn't even necessarily that disturbed that this was an extremely heavy period -- heavier even than the bleeding following the miscarriage, and heavier than any period I've ever had, period. (heh)
I think it disturbed me on a subconscious level. I was exhausted, and sad on a different level ... It was sadness and a real hate of me. My inner monologue: God, sometimes I just hate myself. What in the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I get it together? If I could just live in the woods by myself for maybe six months, maybe I could stop hating me, stop hating everyone else, stop being such a sucky, boring, repetitive asshole. I hate everything. Why is everyone so annoying and demanding? The holidays are coming. Is there any way at all that I can opt out of the holidays? God, why do the holidays all have to be so close together and suck so bad?
I'm a real joy to live with. Just ask my husband.
I believe I'm pulling out of it.
Some women say the only way they can handle this post-miscarriage span of time is to immediately become pregnant again. That would be a great distraction, and I totally get that. More power to them. I won't do it until I'm ready. Good and ready.
My heart breaks for you sweetie. I had my miscarriage almost four years ago. The following two times I did get pregnant ended in ectopic pregnancies. So, yea I am sure a fertile woman would say that the only way to handle the post-miscarriage span of time is to get pregnant. However, if you are an IF it took everything you had just to get pregnant in the first place.
ReplyDeleteI can assure you that the only thing that helps you heal is time. And to be completely honest, the pain never fully goes away. It still haunts you when you least expect it. I too am in a place right now where I hate my body more than anything. Would you like a partner in the woods through Christmas? Lord knows I could use a fast forward to January.
Erin, you should just skip the holidays. Seriously. If they make you feel shitty and depressed, skip it. People who really love you will understand and the other people won't matter.
ReplyDeleteNV - it helps so much knowing there are other people who understand what it's like.
ReplyDeleteKris - I am seriously considering it. :)
The post-loss period is the WORST! But it is pretty much as bad as it gets. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Good for you for waiting to try again!
ReplyDeleteIt's definitely the healthier choice.
You are doing really well. Don't let anyone impose their timelines on you.
ReplyDeleteThere is no greater emptiness, no greater sadness, than after you lose a baby like that. Be patient with yourself, allow yourself to be a huge grump, eff the holidays, and pretty soon when you least expect it you will see a glimmer of sunshine.
ReplyDeleteF the holidays and all that comes with them. One step at a time with the healing. **hugs**
ReplyDelete