I guess my cycles are still evening out. I am on Day 34 of this cycle and Aunt Flo has made no indication of her impending arrival, unless deep, dark rage is any indication.
Oh, rage is an indication? Huh.
A few days ago I took a pregnancy test, just in case. It was negative. I gotta say, this is the first time in over a year that I have seen a negative pregnancy test and not needed to either eat a vat of chocolate sauce or punch something. I felt mild disappointment and overwhelming relief.
The doctors said I would be scared to get pregnant again, but they were wrong, because the way I am feeling about getting pregnant again is something akin to horror. Terror, you might call it. Things would be very simple if my husband and I decided we didn't actually want to have children; I'd send him in for a vasectomy (he's going to read this and be like what the hell?) and that would be the end of that.
Unfortunately, it appears that we both want children even more now than we did before. Which is a problem, when paired with my severe fright about getting pregnant again. I can't even really talk about it, or think about why it scares me so much ... accessing that dark and smelly pit in my brain is such a disgusting thought. I really see it that way -- it's like I'd have to swim in tar, maybe go meet Gollum somewhere down in a dank, pitch black cave. This has begun to make exactly no sense.
I kept saying we'd wait until January to try again. Then I said we'd wait until I lost 15 pounds. Then I said we'd wait until April. If I keep pushing the try-again date back, eventually the pit of tar will dry up and go away, right? I'd thought it was gone, or at least on an extended vacation, until last week when I suddenly began to think of my baby. Who thinks of a first-trimester miscarriage as a baby? This cannot be a healthy line of thought.
Of course if I keep pushing the try-again date back, my fertility will lessen. Women who miscarry are most fertile in the three months following a miscarriage. It declines after that. I can't spend another year doing this; I might lose my marbles, you guys.
Yeah, I'mma try again. It'll need to be sooner than later. There's exactly no reason to wait, other than that dark pit.
I have to say, I love your blog. I'm tired & stuckt too! I've had two miscarriages. One at 8 weeks..had the hearbeat & everything. The other at 6 weeks, an ectopic. I understand how you feel about being scared to conceive. I found a good therapist that specializes in infertility. It really helped me navigate the tar pit. Best of luck in finding peace :)
ReplyDeleteI think of all four of my first-trimester miscarriages as babies. They were to me, even if they weren't to anyone else. I saw the heartbeat of two of them, and that's about as real as it gets.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're so scared. I think there's nothing wrong with waiting until you're not (or at least a little less scared). In between the 3rd and the 4th I had to wait a year before I was ready....and I was still overtaken with anxiety during the 4th.
Wait until you're ready...it will only be better for you and the baby. But then again, I can say this and know why we feel rushed to try again so soon...so do what you think is best for you. Feel free to completely ignore this advice.
I think you should just make sweet, sweet love. Get drunk and do it. If something happens, it does. If it doesn't,keep making plans.
ReplyDeleteI think fear is just part of all this--how can you not have it knowing what you know? But eventually the desire to try will outweigh the fear and then you'll know it's time. Sending you strength.
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