Monday, November 21, 2011

Now What?

Nothing demotivates me like the sight of a negative pregnancy test.

I know it shouldn't. I know I should reassure myself with the statistics, let myself know that I am on the right path, and that all the steps I am taking not only are for fertility but overall health. I should remind myself that the acupuncture and some of the supplements are helping with my anxiety. That watching what I eat and exercising are things I should be doing anyway. That getting in touch with my body through BBT charting and OPKs is a good thing to do.

I know I should be doing all of those things.

Instead I just want to drink a box of wine, put on my sweats and eat icing from a can. Oh, and warm my hands over a fire of all of the fertility books I have bought. It wouldn't be a small fire.

I will tell you right now there is nothing about how to overcome this feeling. That one they leave you to figure out on your own.

So, that's what I'm doing right now. Oh, and trying to determine if the four pounds I have put on is from the prometrium, or from pity eating.

I'll let you know how it goes. I think if I figure it out maybe I'll write a book of my own. "Kick Yourself in the Ass: A Guide to Dealing with Infertility When it is the Last Thing you Want to Do" is now the working title.


  1. Those stupid BFNs suck so much. That point in each cycle is so frustrating and depressing. I just want to stop thinking about this fertility crap all the time, living my life in these increments divided between waiting to ovulate and waiting to get my period. The cycle of hope and disappointment. It's exhausting. It feels like it's taking over my identity! Anyways, nothing can really help that feeling each month (short of a couple valium or 10 shots of tequila), but do know that you're not alone . . . I like your book title by the way - I would totally read it!

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  3. I also wanted to say how much I appreciate your thoughts and totally relate to them. As the PP mentioned, the cycle of hope and disappointment is so crushing. No matter how hard I try to force myself to not get my hopes up, I'm always convinced that I'm pregnant each month (and so far, I haven't been). I feel so let down by my body, each and every month (and I feel tricked even, thinking that I was pregnant). I've even tried the opposite -- letting positive optimism and excitement run free in my mind in the hopes that just being positive all month will keep me from being totally slammed with the BFN... but that doesn't seem to be very effective either.

    I especially appreciate Tired & Stuck and this post because it's nice to read other women feeling the same way as me. My husband doesn't understand, my good friends got pregnant easily or didn't discuss their trials, so it's easy to feel like there's something wrong with us because we're so disappointed each month. But there isn't anything wrong with feeling disappointed. We're all working quite hard (in our own ways) trying to get knocked up, so I just remind myself that disappointment is normal. Heck, if I wasn't disappointed, it probably would mean (for me) that I didn't really want it.