Re-evaluating

I didn't post last Tuesday because I was in the emergency room. Well, actually, that's a lie. On Wednesday I was in the emergency room. On Tuesday I was writhing in my bed praying for sweet merciful death. By the time I finally went into the ER I was sure that my gall bladder had given up the ghost, or my pancreas was close to exploding. Neither turned out to be true. Instead, the doctor took a look at the long list of supplements, herbs, hormones, and metabolic pills I was taking and suggested that I might be overdoing it just a titch.

The next day I went to see my OB/GYN. I told her about the hormone therapy I had been doing for the past year, and the "Making Babies" program I had been since March. She nodded sympathetically, and then asked why I was making myself so sick and miserable. She said that from her standpoint none of the things I was doing were going to help in my getting pregnant. They wouldn't hurt, but they wouldn't help. If anything they would just have a placebo effect.

I started to cry.

I want this so badly to work. We can't go back to the assisted fertility model. That was destroying my body, and our marriage. But I obviously can't keep doing this in the way I have been doing it.

So, I'm not quite sure what's next. I have now been off all of the pills (other than my anti-depressant) for a week. I feel better. I am going to keep going to the acupuncturist because that makes me feel good. I am going to stay on the Metformin because it helps with my appetite, and I know it wasn't the culprit. I am off the supplements and the herbs. I think instead I will just try to hit hard healthy living stuff hard. Actually get out and walk and eat the way I should, instead of relying on a handful of pills to pick up the slack.

And I am going to be nice to myself. I am going to remember that I am not the sum of my reproductive parts.

I am going to enjoy what I have.