The Next 3 Months

Let’s be real. I’m not going to promise to give up caffeine or alcohol. And I can’t guarantee I’ll remember to take my vitamins every day.

But just because I can’t manage to do it right all the time, doesn’t mean I can’t do better. When it comes to my health, I know I can do better.

One idea I really liked from the “Making Babies” book was to think of the three-month program as a premester – the very first trimester.

But honestly, I don’t like focusing on making my body “baby ready.” As exciting as pregnancy would be, having it as a goal is kind of a downer. I would rather think about making my body healthy and strong and “life ready.”

Regardless of whether I have a baby, I do have a life and I have this body for living it.

Lucky for me, this Saturday, October 1st, is the perfect time to start a new premester. We have exactly three months left in the year, three months to prepare for 2012.

It’s actually a little bit thrilling to think about the next 13 weeks as wide open space for making dreams come true.

What do you want to accomplish before the year comes to an end and the next one begins?

Damn

I have now been off everything for three weeks. No hormones. No supplements. No herbs. I feel a TON better. No break through bleeding. No stomach problems. No emotional roller coaster. Oh, and no ovulation.

That's right, according to my trusty little pee sticks, my eggs have taken a hiatus. It is now day 21 and no double line has appeared.

So, what to do now?

I'm not really sure.

I think I need to start adding stuff back in.

With my next cycle, along with the new and improved "healthy living" initiative, I am going to restart with the hormone therapy. I am starting with that instead of the supplements since I know that didn't make me sick. I was on it for a year before I started the supplements, and never had problems. Of course, during that year I also didn't get pregnant, so I don't know if it was having an impact on my ovulation. In the next month I will track it and, if I begin ovulating again, stick with the hormones and flush the supplements.

If I don't? I will try a month on the supplements and see what happens.

My hope is that one or the other was causing ovulation, and that it was just the combo of both that caused the problems. I am hoping the combo wasn't responsible for both the good and the bad, because really, the bad was too bad to even think about the good.

I am hoping there is a simple solution to all of this that I am just overlooking.

I am hoping that I find that solution before all my hope, and patience, are gone.

Annnnnd, breathe.

Re-evaluating

I didn't post last Tuesday because I was in the emergency room. Well, actually, that's a lie. On Wednesday I was in the emergency room. On Tuesday I was writhing in my bed praying for sweet merciful death. By the time I finally went into the ER I was sure that my gall bladder had given up the ghost, or my pancreas was close to exploding. Neither turned out to be true. Instead, the doctor took a look at the long list of supplements, herbs, hormones, and metabolic pills I was taking and suggested that I might be overdoing it just a titch.

The next day I went to see my OB/GYN. I told her about the hormone therapy I had been doing for the past year, and the "Making Babies" program I had been since March. She nodded sympathetically, and then asked why I was making myself so sick and miserable. She said that from her standpoint none of the things I was doing were going to help in my getting pregnant. They wouldn't hurt, but they wouldn't help. If anything they would just have a placebo effect.

I started to cry.

I want this so badly to work. We can't go back to the assisted fertility model. That was destroying my body, and our marriage. But I obviously can't keep doing this in the way I have been doing it.

So, I'm not quite sure what's next. I have now been off all of the pills (other than my anti-depressant) for a week. I feel better. I am going to keep going to the acupuncturist because that makes me feel good. I am going to stay on the Metformin because it helps with my appetite, and I know it wasn't the culprit. I am off the supplements and the herbs. I think instead I will just try to hit hard healthy living stuff hard. Actually get out and walk and eat the way I should, instead of relying on a handful of pills to pick up the slack.

And I am going to be nice to myself. I am going to remember that I am not the sum of my reproductive parts.

I am going to enjoy what I have.

Tick-Tock

My birthday is next month. I’ve never been one to have a life plan or to hear the tick-tock of my biological clock. But I’m writing about fertility on a weekly basis. So, I’m thinking about it more than ever before.

This is probably a good thing since I would otherwise actively not be thinking about it in hopes that this whole not-getting-pregnant thing would just go away. Ignoring problems always solves them. Right?

Anyway, I’m thinking about what I want to accomplish in this next month. The last two weeks have been rather fertility unfriendly. For sure I knew I was off track when certain bodily fluids returned to less shocking colors. Too few supplements. Too much caffeine. Way too much sugar. (I think crack-cocaine is the secret ingredient in those mini-Cadbury milk chocolate Easter eggs with the candy shell. It just doesn’t make sense that they are so much better than M&Ms even though they are essentially the same damn thing.)  

So I’m back to getting myself on track. I’m going to print up some of my incentive charts and start again. Tonight, I even went for a swim in an effort to add exercise. (Is there anything more humiliating than putting on a bathing suit?) And I’ve decided that before my next birthday, I’m going to at least call the doctor’s office and make an appointment. I think my last annual exam was in September 2009, so it’s time.

Incentives, Part 2

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing … that’s why we recommend it daily.” ~Zig Ziglar

Behavior modification is not my favorite. I spent most of this last week trying to think of some really good incentives to help keep me motivated. Gold stars aren’t going to cut it.

So, I made myself a little chart (it’s really more like a daily journal page), and I listed out all my supplements and left space for writing in what I ate that day. I also created a space for writing in my caffeine and alcohol consumption, both of which I do not plan to kick completely out of my diet. And at the bottom of the page is a section for recording any exercise.

I’ve decided to focus on supplements and healthy eating in April and to hold off adding exercise until May. One new thing a month might be all I can handle.

I’m focusing my efforts on weight loss. Like Erin, I think this could really improve my fertility. Unfortunately, I have this annoying habit of losing and regaining the same 2 pounds every week, which needs to stop. Right now.

I’ve decided I’m going to pay myself $10 for every pound I lose. After the first 10 pounds, the price will go up. At first I was thinking of rewarding myself by buying a bottle of wine, but that might be counterproductive. Anyway, I’ll set the money aside and when I hit 10 pounds, I can spend it on whatever I want.

Regarding the supplements, I need some tiny reward I can give myself daily for a job well done. I’m thinking if I take all my supplements one day, then the next day I can buy myself a KeVita or Kombucha. These drinks are super healthy, but I definitely think of them as a treat. On the weekends, maybe I’ll get a latte.  

I need change to be slow enough that I stick to it but the results to be fast enough that I stay motivated. Plus, I need to be able to cheat without derailing my diet. Yes, I'm hoping for a miracle.

(Fair warning: Not everyone loves my funky health drinks as much as I do. You may think they are grosser than royal jelly.)

Switching Off

I need to step away from the computer.

Well, not just the computer. The cell phone, the radio, the television, and the Kindle all need to go off too. Actually, any electronic device now needs to be put in the "off" position, until my ovaries are ready for take off. At least, they need to be off for as much time as possible, according to the "Making Babies" program.

Turns out, according to the program, that electronic devices, and the heat and other emissions from them are very drying. They zap the moisture right out of you. So, if you, like me, are already "dry" and trying to moisten up (I know, I know, TMI), the less time you spend around electronics, the better.

Did I mention I work in a television station where I surrounded by electronics all day long?

Did I mention that I sleep with my phone and sometimes my laptop?

Did I mention that I blog, read blogs, and Twitter like I'm getting paid for it?

Yeah, this is going to be easier said than done.

I am working on an action plan, though. I can't really get away from it at work, so I am going to try and cut down at home. No more computer or phone in bed. Only two hours of computer time a day MAX. Once I have read everything currently on my Kindle, I am switching back to books. Oh, and when electronics aren't on I am unplugging them so they are emitting nothing.

I have a feeling this may be a withdrawal more serious than the one from giving up wine. And that was ugly.

I guess I will just have to figure out another way to spend my time after Meg goes to sleep. Maybe my husband can help me think of something...