Bliss

I don't know what cycle day this is. Isn't that wonderful?

I haven't taken my temperature a single time in the last week, haven't peed on a stick, haven't turned on The Machine, haven't worried about it. It's basically like being a normal human being again.

My previous cycle fucked with my head big time. I'd taken no fewer than three pregnancy tests by the time my period decided to show up on Day 30, even though I instinctively knew I was not pregnant. When it finally arrived, it was a huge relief. I just want to focus on my health this cycle by exercising and eating right and taking a mental vacation from the constant obsessing over temperature fluctuations and peak fertile days.

Not to mention the notorious two week wait, which kills me every month.

I'm not able to completely get away from all things baby-related. Babies and the things that come with them are everywhere. Saturday night I dreamed my sister and I were both pregnant and giving birth at the same time. Sunday morning a friend announced the birth of her sister's baby. Today a friend of Christina's is in labor -- a woman who deserves this baby, big time, after trying for a decade.

Babies are always floating around in my thoughts, strangely. I used to swear I didn't want children, and I didn't! Children really, really frightened me. Holding babies scared the living daylights out of me. But somehow, time passed and the next thing I knew I was gazing lovingly at adorable babies in strollers and imagining rocking my own fat little munchkin to sleep.

My mom reminded me of my lack of desire to have kids the other day. I said, I know! She said You need to take it back. I said, I do! I take it back! 

Maybe the universe needed to hear me say it out loud. 

Ready for my month off

I just ... cannot ... wait!

It might be the PMS talking, but I am so over all of this ovulation-tracking, temperature-keeping, cycle-watching bull shit. In case it's not completely clear, I am absolutely pissed off about this whole thing and would dearly love to punch someone -- maybe myself -- in the face.

It came to a head on Monday, when I was going about my day and noticed suddenly that my breasts hurt. A LOT. I will sometimes get tender boobs when I'm about to start my period, but this was new pain. This was aching, throbbing, swelling ... you get the idea. I thought, Well? Perhaps in spite of all of the symptoms of PMS (including ragey face acne and a lower basal body temperature and a cleaning frenzy on Sunday) -- perhaps it's pregnancy.

You know what comes next. I pee on a stick, the stick laughs in my face, and then I eat a bag of tortilla chips.

Fuck you, ovaries, and the vagina you rode in on. 

So, as I've mentioned before, I like to have a plan when I'm coming to the end of a cycle. A plan for the next cycle. And the plan this time, as I also mentioned last week, is to Not. Do. Anything.

No ovulation tracking, no temperature-taking, no thinking about it, no discussing it, zip, zilch, nada. If someone asks me about it, I will say as politely as possible that I am not talking about anything even remotely related to my malfunctioning gonads for one month and can they please ask again next cycle. Thankyouverymuch.

I can't wait. Can't, can't, can't, can't wait!

What I am going to do over the next month is lose a bunch of weight. I've said before and still believe that my weight is throwing everything off. It's obviously healthier to be pregnant when you don't weigh a bajillion pounds, anyway, so let's get this show on the road. I'm tired of dicking around.