Wednesday, April 20, 2011


I don't know what cycle day this is. Isn't that wonderful?

I haven't taken my temperature a single time in the last week, haven't peed on a stick, haven't turned on The Machine, haven't worried about it. It's basically like being a normal human being again.

My previous cycle fucked with my head big time. I'd taken no fewer than three pregnancy tests by the time my period decided to show up on Day 30, even though I instinctively knew I was not pregnant. When it finally arrived, it was a huge relief. I just want to focus on my health this cycle by exercising and eating right and taking a mental vacation from the constant obsessing over temperature fluctuations and peak fertile days.

Not to mention the notorious two week wait, which kills me every month.

I'm not able to completely get away from all things baby-related. Babies and the things that come with them are everywhere. Saturday night I dreamed my sister and I were both pregnant and giving birth at the same time. Sunday morning a friend announced the birth of her sister's baby. Today a friend of Christina's is in labor -- a woman who deserves this baby, big time, after trying for a decade.

Babies are always floating around in my thoughts, strangely. I used to swear I didn't want children, and I didn't! Children really, really frightened me. Holding babies scared the living daylights out of me. But somehow, time passed and the next thing I knew I was gazing lovingly at adorable babies in strollers and imagining rocking my own fat little munchkin to sleep.

My mom reminded me of my lack of desire to have kids the other day. I said, I know! She said You need to take it back. I said, I do! I take it back! 

Maybe the universe needed to hear me say it out loud. 

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