Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Ready for my month off

I just ... cannot ... wait!

It might be the PMS talking, but I am so over all of this ovulation-tracking, temperature-keeping, cycle-watching bull shit. In case it's not completely clear, I am absolutely pissed off about this whole thing and would dearly love to punch someone -- maybe myself -- in the face.

It came to a head on Monday, when I was going about my day and noticed suddenly that my breasts hurt. A LOT. I will sometimes get tender boobs when I'm about to start my period, but this was new pain. This was aching, throbbing, swelling ... you get the idea. I thought, Well? Perhaps in spite of all of the symptoms of PMS (including ragey face acne and a lower basal body temperature and a cleaning frenzy on Sunday) -- perhaps it's pregnancy.

You know what comes next. I pee on a stick, the stick laughs in my face, and then I eat a bag of tortilla chips.

Fuck you, ovaries, and the vagina you rode in on. 

So, as I've mentioned before, I like to have a plan when I'm coming to the end of a cycle. A plan for the next cycle. And the plan this time, as I also mentioned last week, is to Not. Do. Anything.

No ovulation tracking, no temperature-taking, no thinking about it, no discussing it, zip, zilch, nada. If someone asks me about it, I will say as politely as possible that I am not talking about anything even remotely related to my malfunctioning gonads for one month and can they please ask again next cycle. Thankyouverymuch.

I can't wait. Can't, can't, can't, can't wait!

What I am going to do over the next month is lose a bunch of weight. I've said before and still believe that my weight is throwing everything off. It's obviously healthier to be pregnant when you don't weigh a bajillion pounds, anyway, so let's get this show on the road. I'm tired of dicking around.


  1. I'm wondering if the supplements are affecting my boobs. I had almost the same stick scenario yesterday...

  2. Christina mentioned the same thing yesterday. Maybe they are? Maybe this is our bodies responding "positively"?

  3. The hormones are what make your boobies if they are hurting differently...things are happening, hormonally speaking:)

  4. Guess I need to become better friends with google. ;-) "Why my boobs be hurtin'?" (what I'm going to type into the search engine)

  5. Came here from your other blog. Wanted to see how one curses out ones vagina. Nicely done!