Ow, and ick

Well, good news. My uterus is normal. No polyps or fibroids or whatever. My right ovary has a promising looking follicular cyst that should pop out a nice little egg later this cycle, so I need you to send your most fertile vibes to my vagina, please. Thanks!

The procedure -- the sonohysterogram -- was ok. Mine was performed by a doctor who, if I had to guess, is about 150 years old. Imagine all the vaginas that dude has seen in his lifetime. Anyway, he shoves in the speculum and realizes my cervix is too high (I'm really beginning to wonder if my high cervix/tilted uterus is what's really behind my fertility issues, although I don't suppose that would explain the miscarriages). So his little helper nurse runs off to find a longer one. Oh, joy.

The longer one works fine. I feel some discomfort akin to menstrual cramps, in addition to the mental discomfort of two people staring at my vagina under fluorescent lights. He swabs my cervix with iodine, puts a catheter through it, and then helper nurse pumps saline solution into my uterus while he does a vaginal ultrasound. If there is any sort of prize for most use of the word vagina in a blog post, this one might win it.

So yeah. Kind of a relief, but still kind of a mystery. I'm gonna give this cycle a shot before I run off for karyotype (chromosome) testing and subject my husband to another sperm analysis. I'm just wondering if all this infertility crap is my dumb, shitty luck. It just would not surprise me.

Meanwhile I'm continuing to have my heart checked out and went this morning for my holter monitor, which is strangely more painful than an old man digging around in my vagina. That's because for the monitor they've got to scratch the points of contact on your chest and other areas on the torso. It really burns for like half an hour. After that it's just annoying because you feel like a robot. Going to the bathroom is especially fun.

My echocardiogram is Saturday, and that's just an ultrasound of the heart. I fully expect these results to come back "normal," as in normal for me, slightly abnormal for others. I just want the doctor to say I should be fine to carry a pregnancy, which I expect he will. Not that I really care what he says; I'm still trying regardless, at least for the moment.

de blood

Well, it's been a couple weeks and a few doctor's visits, so here's my update:

Nothing.

My blood was tested for everything under the sun, and they came back with everything looking perfectly normal. Even progesterone (although on the low end of normal). While being good news, I was extremely disappointed. I wanted her to say, Oh! Your progesterone sucks. Here's a pill! All better now.

No such luck.

Next moves are:

- karyotype testing. This tells you if your chromosomes are jacked.
- another semen analysis.
- sonohysterogram. They inject saline into your lady parts and do an ultrasound. Sounds joyous.

Meanwhile I'm simultaneously having my heart re-checked and will also be having to wear a holter monitor for 24 hours (if you've never done this it is one of the most annoying things on the planet) and undergo an echocardiogram (an ultrasound of the heart) to establish that my heart is healthy enough for me to get pregnant in the first place. It is. We're just double checking.

If all that other shit comes back normal, and I have a sneaking feeling that it will ... the next move is probably something like Clomid and/or IUI. Ah, and I really need to try acupuncture. Been meaning to but just haven't gotten around to it yet.

I'm reaaallly hoping I can make something happen before that, but we'll see. I'm still taking my new "job" of losing weight seriously and have embarked on another juice cleanse -- I got pregnant shortly after I did this the first time. I do think weight loss will be the key for me, so I'm really not messing around right now. It's not easy, never has been and never will be. But it's so important, I can't ignore it anymore.

new job

I've given myself a new full-time job.

All I have to do all day, every day, is work toward losing weight. If nothing else happens, whatever. I just need this weight gone.

It's easy enough to "forget" or simply push aside all of the evidence out there that points toward weight being a major impediment to not only getting pregnant, but maintaining pregnancy, and producing a healthy child. I've been re-reading Origins in an effort to psyche myself up for pregnancy since I'm hell bent on making it happen ASAP. Early on in the book, what do you think the author mentions?

Weight. Specifically that kids born to pregnant women with weight issues have a higher incidence of birth defects, and then to add insult to injury, they also often inherit their moms' weight problems. In a study of women who had one kid, then weight loss surgery, then another kid, the second kid was shown not to have inherited their mothers' weight issues. Insane stuff.

I've read it so many times and listened to a heartfelt 20-minute lecture from a fertility specialist about it. And as a result, I've lost 15 pounds. But I need to do that, oh, at least a couple more times.

It's amazing that even with such a massive motivation, I haven't been able to shed all the weight yet. I'm not punishing myself for it, but simply marveling at it. Losing weight is extremely difficult. Everything in my body wants to stay at the weight it is now. Working against that and various other roadblocks (holidays, family meals, eating out with friends, PMS, cravings) is a full-time job that requires vigilance.