the two faces of crinone

I realized last week (shortly after I ranted about how I had no way of knowing whether I'd ovulated due to the lack of temperature spike) that my temps were at least showing a rise in progesterone, however meager. So I started the crinone gel.

And hooo boy. That stuff isn't messing around.

First side effect I noticed: nausea. Then headaches, cramping, and major fatigue. Then, on my second full day of it, HOLY RAGE MONSTERS.

There's a bit of moodiness involved with the taking of this particular hormone, apparently. I will cry at anything. Anything. It's annoying. It can sneak up all surprise-like, which is extra annoying. It's frustrating because I know how I feel about things, and I don't feel like crying, but my body reacts involuntarily with grief, and then I'm in a puddle on the floor.

Yeah.

Anyway, the moodiness popped up after my last acupuncture appointment, which went well this time. I was so deliciously warm.

And.

Brace yourself for hippie madness.

I did not voluntarily imagine this, but it came into my mind like a vision. It is what it is. Hallucinations of a progesterone-addled mind, perhaps.

I saw a version of myself, nude, standing in the sand with a white-hot sun beating down on me. Icky creatures were crawling around my feet but I felt some sort of calm immunity from them. My hair was wild like it gets when you swim in the ocean and then dries all Medusa-like. I was holding an infant. A boy.

It just is what it is. I take it how I want to, which is as a transmission of hope.

Then I felt a surge of a need for action. A number of issues in my life rose to mind. I sensed I was stagnating on several fronts and needed to begin working much harder to move forward. K says my yang is stuck, and maybe it's stuck in more ways than one. In any case, I was inspired.

K said my pulse was stronger, which is a good sign. She advised me to continue to avoiding carbs, which I mostly failed at over the weekend but have revitalized my efforts this week. And she advised staying hydrated due to certain intestinal side effects of the progesterone.

I'm officially out of "gather vitality" herbs and still taking "jade moon phase 4," or worcestershire sauce as I like to call it.

And, in very good news, my temperatures look much better than they have in several cycles. They are actually above the cover line in the second half of my cycle. This is likely due to the crinone gel, which is why I'm happy to continue taking it, crazy-making though it is.

the perils of temping

Funny story.

My temperatures were looking really stupid. Here's my chart so far this cycle.

I mean, seriously. 97.7 five days in a row? A bit suspicious, even if I was temping at different times (which I was). But then the numbers started going up a bit so I was like, OK, I guess my thermometer's not broken. But then I realized, Hey. It's Day 18 and according to my chart, I haven't ovulated, even though my most fertile days were Day 15 and 16, according to my opk machine. And I'd been waiting to ovulate so I could take the crinone gel.

(Not to mention that I'd been waiting to ovulate so I could put my stud horse out to pasture, if you know what I'm saying. My poor husband is exhausted.)

So I ordered a new thermometer, got it yesterday, tested it against the old one, and my temperature on the new one was a full .6 degrees higher. Which in the world of basal body temperature charting is the difference between ovulating and not ovulating. It's huge. So obviously there is something amiss with the old thermometer.

Lesson learned: Change the batteries in the thermometer every month.

The problem now is I have no idea if/when I ovulated, and I'm uncertain about whether I should just start using the crinone gel. If I haven't ovulated yet, excess progesterone can block the release of the egg. My number this morning was less than helpful: 97.7. Some past charts show delayed ovulation on Day 20, so perhaps I'll wait to see what tomorrow's number is and then start using the gel.

Anyway, yes, I did decide to start using crinone gel after I visited K the acupuncturist last week. She was as kind as ever, but I'm afraid she had zero insight after I showed her my charts and labs. I shouldn't have set my expectations so high -- I mean, at this point I already know what's going on. Or at least, I think I do; my wonky thermometer may have been leading me astray.

Another lesson -- last week's session was much less relaxing because my hands were freezing. Why didn't I just tell her my hands were freezing? I'm dumb. I will tell her next time.

She prescribed another herbal concoction. This one is in liquid form. You mix it with water and it is nasty. It's possible it's not herbs at all, and just worcestershire sauce. Ick. I'm still taking "gather vitality" as well -- 3 pills, 3 times a day.

On my way out I asked K basically if she thought she could fix me. And she said the same thing she told me the first time; we'll nourish the egg and my hormones will respond properly to that strong egg. I officially no longer believe this, but that's ok because I still think herbs and acupuncture are potentially beneficial. She advised me to go ahead and use the crinone gel, so I figured I should.

Meanwhile I'm on Week 3 of Paleo. It's significantly easier than it was mid-week in Week 2, when I was depressed and had begun thinking there is no way this diet is sustainable and I'm going to have to give it up and eat bread again and I'll be fat forever, etc. I was having the worst cravings. This week I feel much better (although the idea of pizza ... is a little heartbreaking). That said, the weight loss has slowed WAY down. I'm sure if I was sticking to it really well, literally eating only meat and vegetables, I'd still see a big difference. But I can't do a no-fruit diet. It's just unreasonable at this point.

What's baffling to me is that I really have cut out all grains and dairy and legumes and this weight loss-stall is still happening. Pretty interesting. I guess I need to really watch my fruit and up the exercise.

tcm

I don't know why it took me this long to try acupuncture. I mean, I've been studying Making Babies as though it were a holy screed for the last two and a half years, and the book clearly says acupuncture and Chinese herbs would be beneficial for me.

Timeliness is not my strong suit, I guess.

Anyway, I decided on Friday to just go ahead and do it. I called the office to make an appointment and they were like: Would you like to come in today? And I was like: Sure.

So I went in and met my acupuncturist, K. She asked a lot of questions about my medical history. She is officially the first person I've sought fertility help from who's asked me how I have dealt with my miscarriages emotionally. Just her caring enough to ask made me a little teary. She confirmed that Paleo is the best diet I can be on right now in order to minimize insulin surges.

I asked for her thoughts on the crinone gel I'd recently been prescribed and she said it can certainly help, but that her take on my condition is that my eggs need to be nourished and built up so they'll be strong. When I produce a strong egg, my body will react in accordance with the proper hormones. I'm not totally sure I agree, but I do agree that I'd like strong, nourished eggs.

For the treatment portion of my visit, she felt my pulse, palpated my stomach, and felt my cold hands and feet, at which point she declared that my yang is stuck. Although she pronounced it "yong." My qi is deficient and needs to get ... efficient. This information totally jibes with what Making Babies has told me.

She popped some needles in my forehead, lower abdomen, legs, and feet. Then she did this moxibustion thing I'd never heard of, where they heat some kind of dried Chinese plant and touch it to the needles. I think the theory is that it stimulates circulation. She placed a heat lamp over my belly and a heating pad at my feet. I was instructed to let my heart grow with unconditional love and send that love down my right arm, into my hand (which was resting on my lower stomach), and into my ovaries. I began to picture my ovaries as purple mirror balls. It was involuntary, what can I say.

I was left to relax for ... I don't know. Half an hour? I laid there and listened to the hippie music and got nice and deliciously toasty, and once I got bored of sending love to my glittering ovaries, I let my mind wander wherever it wanted to. I didn't fall asleep -- I'm simply not that chill of a person. Perhaps on a future visit I'll be able to relax that deeply.

When the session was over, K asked if I'm familiar with basal body temperature charting. Um. YES. She wants to see my charts. She is the first person I've sought fertility help from who's expressed the slightest interest in my charts. My personal belief on this subject is that most doctors have no clue what the temperatures mean.

K also wants to see my most recent blood work, so I got that for her as well. She prescribed some herbs and gave me a moxibustion stick to light and hold over my stomach. I told her I will try anything. Why not?

When I got home, there was an email waiting for me with my treatment plan inside. I'm to go for weekly sessions for one full cycle, and then reevaluate. She also strongly suggested I buy a certain book ... you guessed it! Making Babies! I believe I've stumbled upon the holy grail of acupuncture practices.

Because I had such a positive experience, I'm seriously considering not taking the crinone gel when I ovulate this cycle. Is that insane? I just kind of want to see how my body responds to acupuncture first ... maybe give it a couple cycles. We'll see how I feel after the next session on Friday.

To top it all off, I got a card in the mail today from K, just welcoming me to the practice and wishing me a happy weekend. Which is way more than I can say for the multitude of doctors I've seen and paid wayyyy more money to. Now, if it works? I'll be completely sold.

de blood

Well, it's been a couple weeks and a few doctor's visits, so here's my update:

Nothing.

My blood was tested for everything under the sun, and they came back with everything looking perfectly normal. Even progesterone (although on the low end of normal). While being good news, I was extremely disappointed. I wanted her to say, Oh! Your progesterone sucks. Here's a pill! All better now.

No such luck.

Next moves are:

- karyotype testing. This tells you if your chromosomes are jacked.
- another semen analysis.
- sonohysterogram. They inject saline into your lady parts and do an ultrasound. Sounds joyous.

Meanwhile I'm simultaneously having my heart re-checked and will also be having to wear a holter monitor for 24 hours (if you've never done this it is one of the most annoying things on the planet) and undergo an echocardiogram (an ultrasound of the heart) to establish that my heart is healthy enough for me to get pregnant in the first place. It is. We're just double checking.

If all that other shit comes back normal, and I have a sneaking feeling that it will ... the next move is probably something like Clomid and/or IUI. Ah, and I really need to try acupuncture. Been meaning to but just haven't gotten around to it yet.

I'm reaaallly hoping I can make something happen before that, but we'll see. I'm still taking my new "job" of losing weight seriously and have embarked on another juice cleanse -- I got pregnant shortly after I did this the first time. I do think weight loss will be the key for me, so I'm really not messing around right now. It's not easy, never has been and never will be. But it's so important, I can't ignore it anymore.

What I'm Keeping

For the past few weeks I have eaten like crap, drank copious amounts of Diet Pepsi and wine, not taken a single vitamin, and sung "pregnant women are smug" in my head every time I have encountered into someone with an obviously functioning reproductive system. I have basically wallowed in my infertility by setting fire to all of the work I had done trying to "fix" it.

But, now, it's probably time to move on. After all, just because I'm infertile doesn't mean I want to die young. Or fat. Or angry.

I am re-evaluating all of the things I was doing in the name of trying to get pregnant, and deciding what I want to keep in the name of having a healthier, and happier life. I can tell you right now though, all of the supplements are definitely not the "keeper" list. Neither is visualizing my uterus -- f it doesn't want to co-operate with me, the less I want to think about it. Oh, and the only sticks I am peeing on are the ones I will have to when camping.

I am going to recommit to healthier eating, especially cutting down on carbs in favor of protein and vegetables. I find when I do that I am not as hungry, and I feel better. So, while habit will tell me to reach for a bagel, it will now have to deal with the fact I will go for yogurt and fruit instead. And I am once again cutting back on wine and Diet Pepsi. Actually, in the case of the Pepsi I am attempting to cut it out again. I've read too much about other health effects to not feel like I'm drinking battery acid every time I pop open a can.

I am still torn on whether or not to continue with the acupuncture. On one hand, I really love it, and found it to be the high point of all of my fertility trials. On the other hand, the woman I was seeing is A) expensive, and 2) specializes in fertility. If I want to continue with it I need to find someone cheaper, who every time I see her isn't going to remind me of my rotten eggs. Maybe someone who specializes in weight loss...

So, that's my plan for now. Maybe next month I will try to stop singing the "smug" song too, but for right now, I'm holding on to that tune. I'l work on the not dying angry stuff later...

What's The Temperature, Kenneth?

I am going to admit something shocking.

I have never tracked my basal body temperature.

I know. I know. I should be kicked out of the infertility club immediately.

It isn't that I haven't tried. I have bought numerous thermometers, and dutifully placed them by the side of the bed. Then I have awoken the next morning and walked right past them, only to remember with a "damn" once I was already in the shower.

Also, the whole thing just seems so ripe for misreadings. The fact that you are supposed to have slept just enough, but not too much; or else you have to do algebra to figure out what your actual temperature is has always been off putting. Does moving my leg out from under the covers mean I'm going to get the wrong reading? What about reaching out to grab the thermometer?

Truth be told, I don't see what my temperature will tell me that hasn't already been told to me by years of being poked, prodded, scoped, wanded, bled, and battered. It could tell me when my husband and I should being "doing it" (technical term), but the OPKs already tell us that, and, really, we keep our bases pretty well covered, if you know what I mean.

I am trying it again though, at the behest of my acupuncturist. She seems to think there is something in there that will help her know where to put the needles. I just hope she doesn't mind when the temperature is "damn" for a couple of the days.

If only they made a basal body thermometer that only worked in the shower....

Desperate Measures

I'm making an appointment with my OB/GYN.

Yep, that's right, my old fashioned, medication loving, likes to tell me to just "relax," has no diet tips except Weight Watchers, has never stuck a needle in me except to draw blood, and who wouldn't know what to do with herbs unless they were on a salad OB/GYN.

I need to know what the hell is going on.

I mean, in some sense, I know what's going on. My naturopath OB has been treating me for PCOS with hormones, and was the one who diagnosed the cyst. However, I am now starting to feel like it is getting worse, or that something is going on in my body that shouldn't be. For the past three months I have cramped and heavily spotted on the days I am ovulating, or immediately after. My stomach is always upset. I am having hot flashes and nausea.

Not only do I feel crappy, but its making it hard to stay on the program. When my stomach is upset? All I want to do is eat carbs. I definitely don't want to swallow herbs or supplements. The spotting is doing to my mental state what the stomach woes are doing to my physical one. Every time it happens I think "what's the use, I obviously can't make babies" and go pour some wine.

I am not going to my traditional OB/GYN because I don't trust my naturopath or my acupuncturist. I think I have paid them both enough money to show my faith. It's just that I already know how both of them want to address this problem, and it isn't working. I need a perspective from someone who has been with me from the beginning of all of this, and who isn't afraid to throw a little western medicine at it. I mean, if this cyst needs to be removed, I want to know it now -- not when it bursts.

Maybe a third perspective is just what the doctor ordered.

I really hope so.

Same Old, Same Old

In the past eight weeks I have had three and a half periods.

For those of you without access to a uterus, that is a lot.

In March I had periods exactly two weeks apart. Then, I had 24 blissful days of non-period, and then what can only be described as a "whopper." I would say more, but you really don't want me to. Last week I had spotting EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. It was nothing to write home about (if anyone actually writes those kids of letters), but just there.

I figured that my body was maybe resetting itself. After all, I've changed my diet, thought about exercising more, am taking more pills than Charlie Sheen, and paying a woman to stick needles into my face. Wouldn't all that be enough to make my cycle go a little screwy? I figured it would soon right itself and help me on my way to reproductive bliss.

How wrong I was.

Today I went to see my gynecologist, just to check in since I am making all these changes, and to talk about the weird periods. She decided to do a quick pelvic (again, not saying more), and discovered that my lady bits weren't making changes, but instead were making an ovarian cyst.

Yep, an ovarian cyst, just like all the previous ovarian cysts that led me to buying this book and making all these changes in the first place.

So, what do I do now?

I don't know.

I just don't know.

Part of me says try harder. Part of me says this is over.

Most of me wishes this was just wasn't so complicated.

Oh, and that I would stop having so many damn periods.

The Needling Question

Every time I tell someone that I am having acupuncture, they ask the same question. I probably don't even need to tell you what it is...

Oh c'mon, you know what it is. Say it with me: "does it hurt?"

The answer? Kind of.

I mean, if someone is sticking you with a needle, you're going to feel something. You're actually SUPPOSED to feel something, that's how the acupuncturist knows she's hit the right spot. It isn't really a pain though, it's more like a jolt. Not pleasant, but not horrible. And once you've felt it, and it's clear the needle is in the right place, it goes away and you don't really feel anything -- at least nothing painful. Instead you just start feeling incredibly relaxed, and very heavy in your body. I always feel it in my hands first, like they are filled with sand and sinking into the table. Then the rest of my body falls with them, and I drift off to sleep. I know from the clock that I am only asleep for a short time, but it feels much longer. Oh, and if the needles are electrified? Then the sleep is even deeper.

Yeah, that's right, sometimes she runs a current through the needles. Specifically, she does it when I am supposed to be ovulating. I think it's a way to threaten my follicles into behaving. You know, a "keep being difficult and I'll turn up the juice" kind of message. Really though, I don't think they would be that threatened. It's more buzzy than shocky -- kind of like a "personal massager." And I wasn't kidding when I said it makes me fall into a deeper. She hits the switch and I am gone. No dreams. No twitching. Almost like I'm under anesthetic.

The fact that I fall asleep, and that I feel such deep relaxation during and after acupuncture gives me hope that the "Making Babies" program might work. When I started on the supplements I didn't really notice a big difference -- except heartburn. When I changed my diet I didn't really notice a big difference -- except missing wine. When I tried, and failed, to do the visualization (a topic for another time) -- I almost chucked the book out the window. The acupuncture though, it makes me think the authors of Making Babies might just know what they are talking about.

Or maybe I'm just a masochist and never knew it...

Either way, I love those needles.

Little Needles in My Face

Oh, and in my hands. And my feet. And my shins. Yeah, and my belly.

That's right. I have started acupuncture, and it ins't half as gruesome as I thought it was going to be.

Wait, I don't mean gruesome. I mean expensive, ineffective and boring.

I had acupuncture once before when I was going through infertility treatments. It was like being in an Instacare, I felt nothing, they explained nothing, and the entire time (despite being told to "relax") I was tense and trying to look at the needle that had been stuck in the center of my forehead.

This is a completely different experience, and I don't just mean this clinic is more like a spa than a bus terminal. Not only am I able to relax enough not to try and sneak a peek at my Hellraiser appearance, but I actually fall asleep. I NEVER fall asleep in so called "relaxing" situations. Not in massages. Not in facials. Not while lounging. My acupuncturist says the fact I am dozing off is a sign it's working. Well, I'll be the judge of that when and if I see two lines on a pregnancy test, but for now I am just grateful for the naps. Honestly, after my last appointment I was kind of disappointed I didn't get to go again the next day. That's how refreshed I felt.

So far, I have only had two treatments, but I have signed up for three months. My acupuncturist says the location of the needles will move depending on the stage in my cycle, and that after one full cycle she is going to start me on some herbs as well. I can't tell you how excited I am to add that to my daily potions and pills. Wait, yes I can. I'm not very excited at all. I'm going to take them though, because I figure if I've done this much, what's a few herbs?

I mean, I already faced the needles...