What I'm Keeping

For the past few weeks I have eaten like crap, drank copious amounts of Diet Pepsi and wine, not taken a single vitamin, and sung "pregnant women are smug" in my head every time I have encountered into someone with an obviously functioning reproductive system. I have basically wallowed in my infertility by setting fire to all of the work I had done trying to "fix" it.

But, now, it's probably time to move on. After all, just because I'm infertile doesn't mean I want to die young. Or fat. Or angry.

I am re-evaluating all of the things I was doing in the name of trying to get pregnant, and deciding what I want to keep in the name of having a healthier, and happier life. I can tell you right now though, all of the supplements are definitely not the "keeper" list. Neither is visualizing my uterus -- f it doesn't want to co-operate with me, the less I want to think about it. Oh, and the only sticks I am peeing on are the ones I will have to when camping.

I am going to recommit to healthier eating, especially cutting down on carbs in favor of protein and vegetables. I find when I do that I am not as hungry, and I feel better. So, while habit will tell me to reach for a bagel, it will now have to deal with the fact I will go for yogurt and fruit instead. And I am once again cutting back on wine and Diet Pepsi. Actually, in the case of the Pepsi I am attempting to cut it out again. I've read too much about other health effects to not feel like I'm drinking battery acid every time I pop open a can.

I am still torn on whether or not to continue with the acupuncture. On one hand, I really love it, and found it to be the high point of all of my fertility trials. On the other hand, the woman I was seeing is A) expensive, and 2) specializes in fertility. If I want to continue with it I need to find someone cheaper, who every time I see her isn't going to remind me of my rotten eggs. Maybe someone who specializes in weight loss...

So, that's my plan for now. Maybe next month I will try to stop singing the "smug" song too, but for right now, I'm holding on to that tune. I'l work on the not dying angry stuff later...

Is Diet Pepsi Keeping Me Barren?

I have a love/hate relationship with Diet Pepsi. By that I mean I love it, and I hate it when anyone suggests we should part ways. Despite that, about once a year I try to stop. The reasons are usually the same: Aspartame causes cancer and all kids of health problems, giving it up will help me lose weight, or it's a bad habit for my daughter to emulate.

I usually last about 24 hours before I go crawling back.

I tell myself that lots of things cause cancer, that I only drink two day and there are lots of other things I can do to lose weight, and that it's not like I'm smoking it in front of Meg.

This time though? I've been off it four days and counting. The reason? Aspartame totally messes with your pH balance.

As anyone familiar with the MB program knows, getting the pH balance right in your body is the holy grail. Practically everything that is done with diet and supplements is about making the body not too acidic -- yet I have been sabotaging that every day just because I can't leave my fizzy lover behind.

The body's basic pH is 7.0-7.3. That's when it is firing on all cylinders. Aspartame's pH? 1.5. I have been pouring acid into my body while trying to make it perform a function (reproduction) that needs balance. According to the Aspartame experts in order to rebalance the body after the acid in one 12 ounce can of diet soda, a person has to drink 256 ounces of water. I would drink two Diet Pepsis in a day -- on an average. And I know I was not drinking 512 ounces of water. I know that because I don't have a hump and camel breath.

So, I'm off it. I actually haven't even been tempted by it this time. I think because if this is the thing that is keeping me from getting pregnant, I'm really pissed at myself. I mean, we were spending thousands of dollars every month on fertility treatments, and I may have been voiding them because there was a Pepsi machine in the lobby. Yeah, I know that probably wasn't the only reason, and that one little thing like that doesn't make all the difference.

But what if it does? That's all I can keeping thinking about.

Of course, now I think about things like that with a cup of tea in my hand.