Incentives

My sister teaches junior kindergarten --- the youngest students on campus. These kids are a crack up. I mean you have to give them rules about everything. And even after the guidelines and expectations are clearly laid out, some poor souls will still have trouble staying on track. They aren’t bad kids. They just need a little more hand holding than most.

I know how they feel. In the world of trying to get knocked up, there are a lot of shoulds and should nots, a lot of rules to follow. When you think about all the things that may derail your fertility, it’s a wonder anyone gets pregnant. Ever. You can’t drink too much or be too fat or exercise too little or exercise too much. You need to eat a lot of vegetables and fruit and enough protein, which should be lean and grilled. And you should avoid processed carbs and artificial sweeteners and real sweeteners and anything fried. And don’t forget to drink lots of water and some tea and take all your supplements. And once you’ve done all that, make sure to have sex at the right time, in the right position with the right lubricant.

If these things came naturally to me, I might already be pregnant. But most them don’t. And even though I’ve read, highlighted and memorized the Making Babies rules, I still have trouble following them. Typically, I’m on good behavior during the week, and I completely fall off the wagon on the weekend, which has a way of extending itself from Friday afternoon to Tuesday morning. Half-time effort is better than no effort, but 50 percent is still a failing grade.

This is why I started to think about my sister and some of her slow learners. The solution (when other attempts have failed) is usually an incentive chart. She will reward a child with stickers for tiny successes and a larger prize for, say, a week of good behavior.

So, yes, I’m suggesting what works for 5-year-olds might work for me. Specifically, I’d like to work on the following areas: taking my supplements, eating more fruits and vegetables, eating less carbs (especially the sugary processed variety), and exercising. I’m not looking for perfection, just a strong B average.

Now, I just need to choose an incentive (other than the obvious of getting pregnant).

Let's talk about cervical mucus

I find myself talking an awful lot about my cervical mucus these days. Even with friends who don't have kids and are only minimally interested in doing so. When I'm talking with friends who are having fertility issues about cervical mucus? Oh, we could go on for half an hour.

About a mucus. That comes out of our vaginas.

Because let me tell you something about my cervical mucus. It went on a hiatus or something. Pre-birth control, I had plenty. Too much, even. And I'm talking about the "fertile" stuff -- the egg white stuff. Before I knew what this stuff was, I had a kind of "What in holy hell is this crap?" attitude about the sticky goo that presented itself for a few days every month and then just as mysteriously disappeared.

Post birth control, I was seeing a tiny teensy weensy bit maybe one day out of the month, and not for the whole day. I'm not blaming birth control. I have no idea why this happened. I am older and fatter, which probably doesn't help.

But!

Since I started taking the many, many supplements I take every day, as recommended by Making Babies? I'm seeing more fertile cervical mucus. Not like it used to be, yet, but definitely more. I like that. I like that I can see a direct positive result coming from all this crazy junk I do every day to help improve my fertility.

And actually, that's not the only positive result. My skin seems clearer, my hair and nails are growing very fast, and I have more energy. Also, my last period was less painful than usual.

If you're curious what exactly I'm taking every day, here's what I do: Three times a day I take a New Chapter Organics prenatal pill. Twice a day I take a New Chapter B-complex pill. Twice a day I drink 8 ounces of water with 18 drops of chlorophyll in it. Three times a day I take two flax oil capsules. Once a day I take a baby aspirin. Once a day I drink a mug of green tea, and once a day I drink a mug of red raspberry leaf tea. When I ovulate, I'll begin taking chaste tree berry.

I have a couple of friends who suggested I post about how much money I've spent on my home fertility treatments so far. So I gathered all my stuff and put it on the kitchen counter and took this picture. This photo doesn't include a few books I've downloaded and read on my Kindle. A ballpark estimate of all this stuff is probably somewhere around $500. It's a little cuckoo. And I'm done buying new stuff, unless it's refills for the supplements that I think are actually helping me. Or if I determine that acupuncture would help. So basically I'm gonna keep spending money.

Now. To segue to The Machine. The update on The Machine is that it's Day 14 and it's telling me I haven't reached peak fertility yet. Which I would not have anticipated. This means I might reach peak fertility tomorrow, putting ovulation on Day 16 or 17, which is a bit later than I thought it was happening. So, I may have been wrong about The Machine. Maybe The Machine knows what it's talking about. Also - there's a possibility I'm not going to ovulate this month. Supposedly The Machine will not indicate a peak fertile day if you don't ovulate. Which would be helpful information to have. More info to follow next week...

Like the Desert

I don't know how to tell you this.

Turns out I am not tired and stuck.

I misled you about my fertility type.

I know. I know. How can you ever trust me again? How can I trust me again?

If it makes it any better, I didn't want to be dry and stuck. I wanted to be tired and stuck. That's how I feel about this whole thing, there is no "dry" about it. Also, dry and stuck just sounds like a Pinto in a dune.

Dry is the "skinny girl" fertility type. That is soooo not me.

The more I read though, the more I couldn't deny it: I'm dry. Always hot? Yep. Not fond of protein? Yep. Feeling "dry"? Damn it, yes.

So, I am dry and stuck. It changes the supplements I will be taking, and the tea I will be drinking, but little else. The diets are still similar, and the exercise is the same. Oh, and it means I can't even have "moderate" wine. You know, because it's drying.

I just hope you don't mind reading my "dry" posts.

I promise I will remain stuck...

Never Fearless

Sometimes I say to John, “You realize if all this works, we’re going to have a baby.”

He nods his head, unfazed by my ability to state the obvious.

“And our life will never be the same,” I add.

He thinks I’m a bit dramatic.

But the death-to-self required by parenthood seems unreal, the lack of sleep exhausting, the opportunities for screwing up unlimited. As absolutely amazing as I’m sure motherhood is, I can’t help but think it’s also the most terrifying experience of one’s life. First the pregnancy, then the labor and after that the endless task of parenting.

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” ~Elizabeth Stone

I can hear your kind thoughts wanting to softly suggest I stay calm and carry on, everything will unfold perfectly.

And I believe it will unfold perfectly because it usually does. But not until after I panic, cry, scream and lose my mind a tiny bit at a time. That’s pretty much my M.O. for any change. So I’m not overly optimistic that, assuming I become pregnant, the transition into parenthood will be easy. For one thing, being relaxed isn’t my strong suit. I am so much better at worry. Ask anyone.

If I’m not thinking, “What will we do if this doesn’t work out?” then I’m thinking, “What will we do if it does?”

Today my sister described to me the home remedy for a clogged milk duct. It involves sterilizing a needle and pricking your own breast. My whole body shuddered. Then later I could hear my 5-month-old nephew laugh as the dog tried to share her toy with him. We’re talking seriously cute stuff.  

Maybe it is the promise of cuteness that allows people to take a fearless leap into parenthood. I, for one, have never done anything fearlessly and, as it turns out, that includes this trying to conceive business. I think fear is one of the reasons I stuck to my old-fashioned laissez-faire approach to getting pregnant for as long as I did.

Now that we’re really trying, with the supplements and monitor and book in hand, the fear is still there. The thought of either outcome – becoming pregnant or not becoming pregnant – scares me. That said, I’d rather be scared in the company of a cute laughing baby.

The Machine

This is an overpriced piece of plastic that is supposedly going to tell me when I hit peak fertility during each cycle. I bought this last week, the day I started my period, in a fit of hope. And I can't put my finger on exactly why, but hope is out the window, running down the street, trying to catch the bus to the bad side of town for a gang initiation meeting.

I just don't see myself getting pregnant any time soon, and I'm not sure why. I'm not giving up -- I'm diligently charting my temperatures and peeing on sticks and drinking Red Raspberry Leaf tea and massaging my abdomen, etcetera etcetera, but something in all of these actions feels hollow. Maybe I'm just tired of it. I'm undeniably irritated with the whole situation and would like to take my new fertility monitor out back and crush it with a baseball bat.

Which is interesting, in and of itself. Traditionally the pre-ovulatory phase is the most hopeful phase. Oftentimes it's when I feel my most hopeful, but this time around I'd describe my sentiment as skeptical, at best.

To my husband, it's kind of like a big science experiment. He's an engineer, with confidence in properly-built machines. A properly built machine should solve all the world's ills and get me pregnant. Everything else up til now may as well have been me waving a wand at my vagina. Now that The Machine is here, we'll see what's really going on.

Maybe part of my bitterness is that I don't believe in The Machine, or that it will tell me anything I don't already know.

 

Day 7 - low fertility. Shocking. 

I think I already know when I'm ovulating and I've convinced myself the real issue pertains to my cervical mucus. Or lack thereof. But that's a post for a whole other time.

 
Anyway. Sorry for the downer of a post, but this is how I genuinely feel right now. Maybe I'm wrong and The Machine will blow everything I thought I knew out of the water. If that's the case, you'll be among the first to know.

Angry

I am having to work through a lot of feelings while reading this book and starting on this program. Most of those feelings have to do with the fact I feel every fertility expert I have ever dealt with flat out lied to me, and just did what they wanted, not taking what could actually be wrong with me into account.

In "Making Babies" there are more than six pages of questions your doctor should know the answers to before they start treating you. My initial interview with my doctor lasted about 10 minutes, and only a handful of questions, only about my menstrual history, not my lifestyle or overall health were asked. He didn't ask any questions of my husband once he looked as his lab results and saw his sperm count was good. I told myself it was because he had been doing this for so long he probably could just look at us and know what to do. However, reading this book, I feel he just saw us as two more items on an assembly line. If what had worked for others didn't work for us, it didn't matter, because he got paid anyway.

Every month I would ask my doctor if I could have PCOS. Every month he would tell me that was likely with my history, but that he really couldn't tell since I was on medication to stimulate my ovaries. I asked him about putting me on Metformin, which is recommended for women with PCOS. He said no. I asked about progesterone during my luteal phase. He said my luteal phase was long enough that I shouldn't need it. When I asked about acupuncture he just shrugged and said it was "my money."

A year and a half after I stopped the fertility treatments I went to see a naturopath, feeling like my hormones still weren't back to normal. With two blood tests she diagnosed my PCOS and put me on Metformin. Now, I read in this book that despite the fact I have a "normal" luteal phase that doesn't mean a lot, and that tests should be done to make sure my uterine lining is not just there, but good enough to support an embryo. Oh, and if it isn't? I should go on progesterone. I won't even go into the benefits of acupuncture pointed out in this book, since I am sure all three of us will go into the prickly details later.

I am sure that the fertility doctor I saw is beloved by some. Me? I am ready to show him just how crappy he is. Maybe then I won't feel so angry.

Drug of Choice

Hello. My name is Christina, and I’m a caffeineaholic. And not in your traditional 8 cups of coffee a day kind of way. I like coffee. But what I really love is Excedrin. Excedrin and I have been together so long I can’t remember if our love affair began in high school or college, but I’ve been dependent ever since.

One Excedrin tablet is:

·         250 mg Acetaminophen (Tylenol)

·         250 mg Aspirin

·         65 mg Caffeine

It is the perfect, legal and convenient pick-me-up-and-cure-my-headache drug. Up until a few weeks ago, depending on how I felt and my mood, I would pop one to three a day (on rare occasions even four). It was my multivitamin.

Problem is as devoted as I am to Excedrin, my uterus is not. According to Making Babies, caffeine should be limited when you are pregnant and when you are trying to become so. Coffee especially should be avoided due to its acidifying nature.

The authors didn’t mention Excedrin by name, but I can read between the lines. I figure I better switch my usage from recreational to purely medicinal. As in, my head better feel like my brain is bleeding before I reach for my quick fix.  It’s really for the best. I was starting to suspect every random pain was actually a symptom of liver damage caused by the Acetaminophen.  

The good news is, according to the book, tea (even black caffeine-containing tea) may boost fertility. “Women who drank tea every day --- even just half a cup --- were twice as likely to conceive as women who never drank tea,” Making Babies, page 109.

The authors recommend green tea (up to three cups a day). However, two cups of black tea is within their caffeine guideline of no more than 90 mg of caffeine a day.

90 mg! I get sad just thinking about it. Did I mention I was drinking tea and coffee in addition to my daily dose of Excedrin? And it’s not like I haven’t been down this road before. A few years ago, I quit caffeine cold turkey. Big mistake. Caffeine withdrawals nearly drove me to murder inside a crowded Whole Foods. So this time, I’m going slow, drinking mostly black tea, the occasional coffee and lots of chlorophyll water