Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Second guesses

Because I am not above gloating, I just want to say I told you so. I told you Snooki was pregnant. You cried foul, and now I'm saying How you like me now? 

The key to determining whether a celebrity is pregnant is you have to ask yourself: Self, does anyone in their right mind give a shit about this person? If the answer is No, then that person is pregnant. If the answer is Yes, then 50% of the time, that person is pregnant. If the person is gay, subtract 20 percent. If the person is unmarried, add 20 percent. If the person is over age 35, chances are 90 percent.

I'm glad we had this talk.

Now, FYI, Uma Thurman is pregnant. She is 41. This will be her third child. More power to her.

The baby thing is inescapable. There's no use in trying to block it out; it's ever-present. Avoiding baby-related things is futile -- everyone who hasn't been in your situation will never understand why you feel the way you do, and they will think you are 1) An asshole for trying to avoid baby-related things and 2) Self-centered.

It's best not to admit that baby-related things make you feel like you might scream uncontrollably. They won't understand.

They might think they do, but they don't and can't, and it's not their fault. The best of friends who have never been through this don't get it, but at least they accept you for the crazy person you've become and they are well-stocked with wine.

I wonder: Maybe I am not supposed to have kids. Maybe I just want kids because everyone else has kids. Maybe I just want kids because I want to give my parents and my father-in-law grandkids. Maybe I just want kids because my husband wants to be a father. Maybe I would be an unfit mother. Maybe this is natural selection or evolution or the Earth's way of saying please stop overpopulating.

I wonder: Maybe I only care because I think I am supposed to care.

But then it wouldn't hurt so bad.


  1. Oy, Erin. Where do you live? I'm in Arizona, let's get together. We'd be the best of infertile friends.

    I think to myself, often "there has to be a reason for this". Maybe I'll be diagnosed with some awful disease and won't be around to raise the children. Maybe I'm a child abuser who doesn't know it yet? Maybe I'm just not worthy of children?

    But then what about the $#@*!&@# who have children willy nilly and don't care about them? Why can't they get sick and leave their children to me?

    Wow, that was mean. Maybe I'm too mean to have children?

  2. Nope. You are not unfit. You are wonderful. The world is just an asshole sometimes.

  3. I agree with all of the above.

    Try to stay positive- it's still early. There are still many ways you can work your way around that asshole, Infertility.

    So for now, we'll just continue to send inappropriate texts and cry over family drama TV shows. Because, hopefully, we won't have the time or energy to do those things in the future because we'll be weighed down with our filthy, whining kids. <3

  4. I thought of you when I read about Snooki today. It felt like a steel toed boot to my uterus.

    You are not broken. This is not the universe telling you something. This is the universe being a dick.

    And, you totally know Uma did IVF.

  5. I don't suffer from infertility, and I totally understand that I can never understand what it is like. I don't know you, Erin, but you should know I have my fingers crossed for you all the time and I don't believe for one second that the universe is telling you anything except how goddamn unfair and random everything is.

  6. Can I just say that it pisses me off to no end that all these 40+ women in Hollywood are having kids and NOBODY says a word about IVF? I mean, COME ON. Why is it this thing that people don't talk about? Its like they're afraid that there's a stigma attached to it.

    As for the other things: You will be a wonderful mother. I agree with Libby -- this is the universe being a class-A douche bag.

  7. I'm glad you added that last sentence. Ok, "glad" isn't really the right word, but I think you know what I mean.

    You know what I've been thinking lately?

    I'm not a spiritual person and I don't mean to sound like a snob, but a lot of us in the trenches are intelligent, quality women. I think we go through these challenges so that in the long run we'll be AMAZING moms, and bring absolutely extraordinary kids into this world.
    Just a thought.
    Oh - and PS: I don't get too mad at celebrity pregnancies, mostly because I know that about 20 years from now, I'll get to read some awesome tell-all books.

  8. Did you try f***ing more often? I find that seems to help in getting pregnant. Try f***ing everyday while your not on your period. I bet you'll be prego within two months if you do that. Make sure your husband isn't masturbating during this time to get maximum volume.