Wednesday, June 20, 2012

A few pre-appointment thoughts

My consultation is next Tuesday. I'm still nervous, but possibly more annoyed than anything else. The whole "it's not fair" thing. Nope, life isn't fair, is it sweetheart?

So here are the thoughts I'll just bullet-point for today, since they're a bit jumbled for now.

  • I hope that whatever treatment and tests I need don't exceed what's in our health savings account. Although we will pay whatever we need to, if we exceed the HSA funds, we are on the hook for all costs since infertility treatments aren't covered. Well, of course they're not! Why would they be?! Don't get me started. 
  • I still need to get my records from my OB sent over. In speaking with the fertility clinic's rep, she asked if I had copies of previous test results or if I knew the numbers on the results. Which made me hate my OB just that much more. She basically refused to tell me the results of our tests a number of times, despite me repeatedly asking her. Just another instance of doctors believing they know better than their patients, and that patients are on a need-to-know basis. What a bitch. 
  • I feel like I'm being dragged into this by my ankles, while I clutch desperately for a handhold. 
  • I could have been born a boy. Sometimes I think about that when I'm fed up with being a woman.
  • I stopped taking my temperatures, even though I know it's valuable information for the doctor. I think I'm just pissed off about the whole thing. I give up. Fuck taking temperatures. It's never helped me before. Fuck laying around for half an hour after sex. I have a friend who got pregnant after having sex, then drinking fourteen pina coladas while sitting in a hot tub. But I have to lie in bed with my legs in the air? Fuck that. 
  •  It's funny who in my life cares (or seems to care) about this stuff and who doesn't.
  • These pre-appointment moments are filled with "what extremes would I go to" hypothetical scenarios. Surrogacy, egg donation, sperm donation, adoption, IVF. You begin to wonder. 
  •  This was never in the plan for me or my friends. Don't ask me what was; I just know infertility was not. I resent its presence. 
  •  On the other hand, I'm brilliantly lucky to be able to seek treatment for this. I am grateful for that.
  • I'm tired. 


  1. Can I be the friend that says, "Suck it up, Nancy. Grab it by the bootstraps and stop the loathing"? If you have to go into it dragging your feet then maybe it isn't time to do it. Not that it makes it any easier but so many women go through this and so many women make it out of it. You already know you can get pregnant and that is half the battle. I think with a little tweaking you will be on your way. Keep your chin up, lady. love your candidly frank friend ;)

  2. p.s. I know my above comment is that more annoying because I am pregnant. But having gone through it for 5 years, I know what you are feeling. There is a reason for the season and a reason for the process. It makes the reward that much sweeter. I just don't want you fretting over worsecase scenarios yet. Rest your mind as much as you can and let the docs give it a "shot". Again, no pun intended. Hang it there, lady. I guess that's all you can do at this point.

  3. p.s.s. The suck it up, nancy comment is an Everybody Loves Raymond reference. If you watch that show.