BlogHer and Babies

If you haven’t read Erin’s post about BlogHer, you should start there. I didn’t have any expectations for the weekend, but I was definitely surprised by the number of moms, babies and pregnant ladies everywhere I looked.

It’s not like I attended any sessions specific to motherhood, but fertility is kind of everywhere. Early on I realized I needed to clarify by saying I contribute to a blog about infertility instead of fertility because that was only confusing people and making them think I knew the secret to getting knocked up.

Even the very generous sponsors were definitely targeting the mom crowd. Erin and I avoided sections of the Expo Hall for this reason. (Although we each snagged a sample of Zarbee’s all-natural nighttime cough and sleep drink for kids, just in case we needed to knock ourselves out. But sheer fatigue did the trick.)

It didn’t help that we both failed a pregnancy test the morning we left and that we were extra sensitive due to PMS. We should come with a warning: “Of Child-Bearing Age But Not Ability.” By Thursday night, I felt a little beat up. I called John just to say, “Today was hard.”

Luckily, it got easier. Unlike in real life, it was super normal to tell complete strangers I co-write a blog about trying to get pregnant. That’s the freedom of being with 3,600 bloggers. Everyone is writing about their passion --- life, love, kids, food, faith, fashion. I met a woman who writes about worms. In our case, it’s the fertility journey. And the more I talked about Tired & Stuck, the more comfortable I felt talking about Tired & Stuck.

By the time Erin pointed out Giuliana Rancic to me, I was even ready to tell her about our blog. I’m not familiar with her show, but I heard her on a radio interview awhile back and I’ve heard about her from several friends. I told her Erin wanted to meet her but was afraid she would cry. I thanked her for bringing light to the struggle of infertility, and we talked for a couple minutes about how it’s sometimes hard for people to relate. Then I took a really awkward photo with her. As I walked away, one of the women from the Tropicana booth asked for my card. She didn’t tell me her story, but she seemed happy to know she wasn’t alone.

Later that day, as I continued to discuss infertility with strangers, one woman told me how she and her husband adopted after she was diagnosed with low progesterone and clomid failed. Another woman told me how she miscarried her first child and then fired her doctor for being as sensitive as jagged stone. 

The whole experience reminded me how important it is to tell our stories honestly and to listen to others when they tell theirs.

An infertile goes to BlogHer

Let me just start out by saying that BlogHer was wonderful and inspiring. I learned many new things and met lots of really wonderful people.

I had to get that out of the way so I could tell you what wasn't so super-awesome about BlogHer. It wasn't BlogHer's fault -- it wasn't anyone's fault -- but the problem was all the mommies. There were mommies with little tiny babies, pregnant ladies, and if you met a new blogger chances were pretty good that person was going to be a mommy blogger.

The conversation would go something like this.

The Mommy: Hi, I'm Betty. I write a blog at tylerandcaydensmommy dot com. What do you write about?

Me: Oh, I have a lifestyle blog at zeromusings dot com and ... I contribute to an infertility blog at tiredandstuck dot blogspot dot com.

The Mommy: Oh. (look of severe confusion)

Sometimes mommies would just outright ask if I had children and I would be forced to say No and then if I was feeling up to it I'd say, Actually I contribute to a blog about infertility.

Mommies have no idea how to respond to this. Some say, Oh, I'm sorry! One poor woman said, Sometimes I wish I were infertile! To which I answered, Don't say that, and then she said OhmygodI'msosorryIdidn'tmeanthat. She felt terrible. I felt terrible. We all felt terrible and then I had some wine.

Also not helpful: Premenstrual syndrome, which both Christina and I were suffering terribly from. We cried for about half the conference. Thankfully we were rooming together so we kept the crazy shut up at night in our hotel room.

One morning following Sparklecorn (a raucous party with loud music, glow sticks, and unicorn cake), I found that I was missing my conference badge.

Christina claims that when we arrived back at our hotel room after the party, I flung off a number of items -- glow necklaces, shoes -- and cried, "To the wind!" I have no remembrance of this. I hadn't had much to drink, but I also hadn't had much to eat, so maybe it all went to my head.

ANYWAY. The badge was nowhere to be found. I marched to the area of the convention center where a booth had been set up specifically for morons like me who lose their badges, and as I was waiting for it to be printed up, I realized that none other than Giuliana Rancic was doing a meet and greet in the Tropicana booth behind me. 

I shout-squealed: "That's Giuliana Rancic!" The girl behind the counter looked disinterested and said something like, "Huh, sure is."

I knew I wanted to meet her and tell her how grateful I am that she's willing to share her infertility story with the world, how much it makes me feel like I'm not alone and not insane. And just thinking about this I began to tear up, and I knew I'd never be able to meet her without dissolving into a blubbering mess.  

So I didn't. Christina did, though. She told her about our blog and told her I wanted to meet her but I was too much of a wreck. They took a photo together but Christina hated the photo so it shall probably never see the light of day.  

I, however, took a couple of photos of Giuliana before running away in fright.

 Giuliana is even more thin in person than she is on the television. She's also prettier in person.

  This is a photo of her with someone I don't know. I wish I'd gotten a full body photo -- she was wearing an amazing pair of navy blue chunky heels. 

 

I'm not sure if you've been keeping up with Giuliana & Bill, but as I mentioned in a previous post, Giuliana had discovered the very book we here on this blog are following -- Making Babies. She even met with one of the authors, Dr. David, who I would give an eye tooth to have a consult with. And now, per Dr. David's recommendation, she's started acupuncture. In the episode that aired most recently she said that during her session she felt blood rushing toward her pelvic region, which is good because increased blood flow to the uterus, etc., is nothing but good as far as aiding in conception is concerned.

In conclusion -- am I disappointed I didn't talk with Giuliana myself? Yes. But I know I would have just started bawling and probably frightened her. So in the end I'm glad I didn't.

And am I glad I went to BlogHer this year? Absolutely. But I hope to God that if I go to another one I'm either pregnant or have a kid.

Gone BlogHer

I'm not as talent as others who manage to pack for BlogHer and write actual blog posts.

So, if you are in San Diego with the some 3,000 blogging fools said to be congregating there, come find Erin and me.

We will be talking and tweeting and being are usual almost cool but terribly dorky selves. (OK. That last part is just about me.)

Anyway, we plan to have fun, and we would love to meet you in person.

Thankfully silent thoughts. That I blogged about.

I had a funny thought the other day.

I was at the grocery store, and a bunch of little kids -- maybe 8 years old -- were running amok, getting in my way and generally causing a disturbance.

And I thought to myself: If at some point I am told I just cannot have kids, at least then I can openly resent children in public. I mean, it seems like everywhere I go, people's kids are always misbehaving, screaming, crying, and basically completely out of control. I know plenty of people personally who somehow manage to keep their children in line, but the kids I encounter in public on a daily basis? Are OUT. Of FREAKING. CONTROL. 

And normally I think to myself, Oh, kids. They're just being kids. Because someday I might have a kid and that kid might misbehave and then some surly woman in the grocery store might give me the stink-eye.

But if I didn't have to "worry" about that possibility, I could basically think to myself: What a bunch of little asshole children. What is wrong with their parents? Why, when I was a child I would have been given what-for and never would have dreamed of doing such things.

I tend to remember myself as a model child, so I can't really speak to whether this is technically true, but I can say that my parents didn't tolerate any bull shit.

In any case, regardless of what happens on this fun little infertility journey I'm on, I doubt that I will ever be as hateful toward children as I was feeling that day. It's just that occasionally I see complete goddamn morons with children and it makes me insanely angry. I've said it before and I'll say it again: If I were a teenager, or a drug addict, or homeless, or had at some point received a lobotomy, I would likely have a whole brood of drooling little snot factories right now.

I'll stop whining now. 

The update with me is that there is no update. Today is Day 23 in my cycle. Tomorrow I will take a pregnancy test to make sure I am not pregnant, so that I can get on an airplane and go drink some margaritas in San Diego.

I'm headed to BlogHer to meet a few thousand other bloggers, mostly female as I understand it, and I'm really excited to be going. I hope to learn a lot and make some new friends.

Let me know if you're going so we can meet! If you're not going and you'd like to keep up with my San Diego shenanigans, follow me on Twitter!

What's The Temperature, Kenneth?

I am going to admit something shocking.

I have never tracked my basal body temperature.

I know. I know. I should be kicked out of the infertility club immediately.

It isn't that I haven't tried. I have bought numerous thermometers, and dutifully placed them by the side of the bed. Then I have awoken the next morning and walked right past them, only to remember with a "damn" once I was already in the shower.

Also, the whole thing just seems so ripe for misreadings. The fact that you are supposed to have slept just enough, but not too much; or else you have to do algebra to figure out what your actual temperature is has always been off putting. Does moving my leg out from under the covers mean I'm going to get the wrong reading? What about reaching out to grab the thermometer?

Truth be told, I don't see what my temperature will tell me that hasn't already been told to me by years of being poked, prodded, scoped, wanded, bled, and battered. It could tell me when my husband and I should being "doing it" (technical term), but the OPKs already tell us that, and, really, we keep our bases pretty well covered, if you know what I mean.

I am trying it again though, at the behest of my acupuncturist. She seems to think there is something in there that will help her know where to put the needles. I just hope she doesn't mind when the temperature is "damn" for a couple of the days.

If only they made a basal body thermometer that only worked in the shower....

Baby Steps to Babyville

It’s been three weeks since the surgery. I would say things are mostly back to normal other than the fact that a.) At times, I still feel more tired than usual, and b.) I’m not sure when I’ll get my period again. So, what’s next in this great adventure? Well, the day of the laparoscopy, John and the doc talked while I was still asleep. Even though everything went great, the doctor wanted to send us home with a prescription for Clomid.

Now, I don’t have anything against Clomid expect everyone I know who has ever taken it felt mildly to severely crazy while on it, and most of them didn’t end up pregnant. Life is hard enough, so I would prefer to avoid adding any unnecessary mood swings to the mix, if at all possible. I fully acknowledge I might change my mind about this at some point, but I’m not at that point. Knowing this, John turned down the good doctor, which probably doesn’t happen all too often because John said he seemed surprised.

I trust this doctor, so I wanted to discuss his recommendation for Clomid a bit more during my follow up. I expressed my concerns, and he sent me home with two prescriptions. One for Glumetza (Metformin) and one for Letrozole, in case the Glumetza alone doesn’t work.

It’s nice to know I have these options, but after a lot of thought, I’m not ready to take either right at this moment. For some reason I had it in my head that Glumetza (which is supposed to treat insulin resistance in women with PCOS) would be the equivalent of a baby aspirin.

Then I started googling the evil Internet. It’s possible I wouldn’t have any side effects, but if I did, it would most likely be in the form of nausea and/or diarrhea. Call me crazy, but if I’m going to take drugs, I would like them to make me feel better not worse.

I’m not even going to discuss Letrozole, which is supposed to be like Clomid but more mild. Wikipedia says it’s used to treat breast cancer, and after I saw that I really didn’t want to know anymore. Honestly, before I start pumping my body full of powerful drugs, I would like to know if the surgery alone does the trick.

So, it’s back to natural remedies for now.

I’m going to give my body a chance to fully recover and wait until my next cycle begins (the doctor warned the laparoscopy would likely throw things way off). Once I’m back on track, I might wait one more full cycle before starting the Glumetza. 

In the meantime, I’m focusing on significantly improving my diet. (That tiny bit of cancer has me drinking wheatgrass and green smoothies.) I’m going to keep the supplements simple and focus on just taking my prenatals and fish oil. The authors of Making Babies stressed those were the two most important. Well, most important other than the most natural remedy of all ~ the fun part. (Wink. Wink.)

A two-month trial

Firstly, a public service announcement: If you guys are into fertility stuff and aren't watching Giuliana & Bill on the E! network, you should be. It's nice to see someone who has genuinely struggled to conceive go through the same things us "normal" folks go through, ie. when everyone you know is pregnant/has children. But more importantly I saw a preview for an upcoming episode in which she mentions the very book that Libby, Christina and I are following in an attempt to conceive naturally -- Making Babies. I am really curious to see what she thinks of the book and if she applies its principles in her life. If she wants my unsolicited advice, she probably needs to gain just a little bit of weight.

Anyway! You might recall that last week my doctor told my husband and I that everything is normal so far. Further tests on me might reveal the very issues that have been preventing me from conceiving, and my doctor's recommended that I go see a specialist if I don't get pregnant this cycle. 

I, however, have thought about it and decided that I am going to wait until October to submit to further testing. It's only a couple months away and gives me a chance to try to establish some really healthy habits and truly employ the Making Babies recommendations. I chose October because that's my birthday month. I'll be 33, and will probably be more than ready to have more blood drawn, etc., if I haven't managed to conceive naturally by then.

Meanwhile, my cycles have thrown me a couple of curve balls, just when I thought I had them figured out. The last one was longer than expected, and this time I think my cycle has even confused The Machine (my way-too-expensive Clearblue fertility monitor). For a few months I reached peak fertility on Day 17, and ovulated on Day 18 or 19. I assumed this cycle would be exactly the same, believing I'd achieved an actual regular cycle, which was more than welcome after a year of playing Who knows when I might ovulate?! Not to mention: Who knows when I might start my period?!

So The Machine was telling me what it always does on Days 10-13: Low fertility. My toilet paper was telling me a different story  -- a lovely tale of fertile cervical mucus. Which was confusing, but had happened before. I expected a reading of perhaps elevated fertility on Day 14, but instead The Machine suddenly bounded straight to the top of the chart and said I had reached my peak fertile day. *ALERT! ALERT!* That's what it always feels like when I see that I've reached my peak fertile day --- drop everything, including your drawers! Get busy!

In any case, I was a bit concerned. How did I not have the estrogen surge that would indicate high fertility before reaching my peak fertile day? And why was my peak fertile day three days before it has been for the last few months? I turned to The Machine's instruction booklet. Which, by the way, was written by idiots. I won't mince words. The Machine is very easy to use, but in reading the instruction booklet you'd think you were being trained to detonate a nuclear missile.

Lo and behold, in the FAQ section, I found this question:

My monitor changed straight from Low to Peak Fertility this cycle. What does this mean? 

The booklet (un)helpfully answers:

This may happen occasionally, for example when a rise in estrogen is detected on the same day as your LH surge or if the Monitor does not detect a change in your estrogen before you LG surge. This can happen if you miss a test, or perform a test incorrectly, or if you have a very short cycle following longer cycles.

I did not miss any tests, or perform any tests incorrectly, nor did I have a very short cycle following longer cycles. I guess I just have to be satisfied with the blanket answer that the rise in estrogen was simply not detected until the LH (lutenizing hormone) surge. Which pisses me off because I want to know WHY. Is it possible there is an underlying issue that would cause something like that?

I guess these are the kinds of things that good little girls who let doctors poke and prod them get to find out. So I guess I'll be finding out sometime around October.