Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Cup o' Mud

I've replaced my morning coffee with a steaming cup of dirt, and yes, I can tell the difference.

Okay, so it isn't technically dirt. It's herbs. Expensive herbs! Herbs that are supposed to kick my reproductive system into high gear, and improve the impacts of the acupuncture! Herbs that are specially formulated for me, and my energies! Of course, none of that changes the fact they are herbs that make chicory look like an appetizing alternative.

Really, I don't remember eating dirt as a kid, but this is what I picture it tasting like. I mean, this is a little spicier than dirt, so maybe it's the dirt that people would serve to company on on Christmas visits, but it's still dirt nonetheless.

My acupuncturist told me the best way to drink the herbs is to put them in as little water as possible, so I wouldn't have that much to drink. Yeah, that is exactly the opposite of what anyone should do. Just a little bit of water makes it into a paste. That means not only do I get the full effect of the taste, but I end up with a nice herby film all over the inside of my mouth. NOT GOOD.

Obviously, my acupuncturist never drank Slimfast when it first came out and was like drinking quicksand. The procedures I followed then are exactly what I follow now. First, more liquid than needed. That gives the powder more of a chance to dissolve. And if it doesn't dissolve in the first cup? Fill a second. Never, never, suck the sludge. Rookie mistake. Second, always be stirring. The second the liquid stops moving, the powder starts congealing. And once that happens, you might as well just spackle a wall with it rather than drink it. Third, take long constant sips so you never actually have it in your mouth. The minute the liquid stops, you will taste it. That is the last thing you want. Oh, and fourth, drink it topless, because with all of this going on you are bound to dribble it on your shirt.

I just hope these herbs work better than the Slimfast did. I think they will though. After all, not even Slimfast tasted like dirt...


  1. SlimFast Deluxe Chocolate Royale is delicious.

    Maybe you need Deluxe Dirt Royale?

  2. Ooh! What herbs are they? I don't think I've maxed out on my ability to swallow more herbs in a single day.

  3. That sounds really gross. Too bad its not actually like tea -- where you can strain out the leaves.

    Although I'll bet it still tastes better than the tree bark soup with fungus my grandmother makes me eat when I'm sick ...

  4. Psst Libby... carrot juice tastes like dirt too. Just don't swallow the worms!


  5. Go to runny yolk's site (eggsandsperm.com) and run a search for "ass herbs".
    It won't make them taste any better, but you'll certainly laugh your ass off. :-)

  6. Did you plug your nose? That might help. Or maybe you could put a Koolaid fiber in it? That would be Mea's suggestion, Punch or Grape? I'll send some to you.

  7. Fizzer, not fiber. Gah.

  8. I'll admit this post made me a little nauseous. But, if it works it will be worth it :)

  9. I have eaten dirt. Just thinking about it causes me to reminisce about the grit residue between my teeth.