Too Far

I have been dealing with depression for most of my life, and have been on some sort of anti-depressant for more than 20 years. For the most part I accept that this is who I am, and that if I want to have a happy life, or even function in the day to day, I am going to have to be on some sort of medication. Of course, then there are the times that I totally decide to mess with it. You know, like when I read a book that tells me if I want to get pregnant, I should probably go off the drugs.

When I first read the passage in "Making Babies" about getting rid of anti-depressants and other medications, I dismissed it. I knew from experience I couldn't go off my anti-depressants and be okay. I knew that it wouldn't be good for me, it wouldn't be good for my family, and it definitely wouldn't be good for any fetus that needed a safe place to incubate.

But I kept thinking about it. I kept wondering if, all these years, the key to getting pregnant was just getting rid of the meds. I started to get angry; feeling like my depression had already taken enough from me, and now it was taking my ability to have a child. I decided it was time to take control. I went off the meds.

The first few days were okay. I was a little lower, but not that bad. I told myself the supplements, and lack of wine, were probably balancing out the medications. I was sure I had found the magic bullet, and that everything would be fine.

Then I crashed.

I didn't just crash a little bit. I crashed hard. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING caused me to either burst into tears, convince myself I am a horrible person, or make me irrationally angry. On top of that I was dizzy and nauseous, and felt kind of out of touch with everything. It was like being a little bit tipsy, but without any of the fun. Despite all this, I thought if I just go through the physical withdrawal, I would be fine.

I finally returned to my senses on Friday. Ryan (my husband) came home, we were getting ready to go to dinner -- and I couldn't stop crying. I had no idea why I was crying, or what I needed to do to stop, or even if I ever wanted to stop. I was just crying. Ryan was very understanding when I told him what I had done, just asking if next time I made a decision that affects us all if I wouldn't mind consulting him first. He pointed out that the whole reason I wanted to take this approach instead of going back on hormones was that I wanted to remain sane, and do this on my own terms.

I'm back on the meds now.

It may be that my history of depression is contributing to my infertility. I have read studies that say the longer you are on anti-depressants, the more likely you are to have problems conceiving. I had been on them at least 15 years before I even thought about having a child. So, if that's the case, I am going to have to deal with it, and move on.

I just need to keep reminding myself that all children deserve to have the best parents possible. I am not the best parent I can be when I am crazy. I am not a good parent to my Meg, and wouldn't be a good parent to any child I would conceive.

So, let's hope the supplements, the diet change, the exercise, the acupuncture, and the visualization will balance out the pills.

I mean, doesn't it seem like they should?