Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Old Wives' (And Husbands') Tales

So I have this friend, Michelle, whom I've known since our days on the college newspaper. She could always be relied upon to have pain killers or pepper spray handy -- whatever you needed, really.

She's something of a savant in that when she applies herself in any given area, she becomes an expert on that area. Currently she is overflowing with knowledge about children and the things you need to buy to keep them alive and happy. I hope to someday tap her fountain of knowledge when I birth my own spawn.

I only mention her tendency to "expertize" herself on different topics because I suspect she comes by it honestly. 

Case in point: A few weeks ago Michelle sent me an email with the subject line: "Something just occurred to me."

As it turns out, Michelle's dad is something of a barren-uterus-whisperer. To date, he has helped eight women conceive within three months of beginning to use his ovulation charts and advice. One couple had been trying for TEN YEARS and conceived within two months of following his advice. (What the what?!) They now have three children.

So I figured I would put Michelle's dad's advice out there for everyone to use. Here it is!

1. The man should abstain from sex for one week prior to your ovulation week. No masturbating, either. (The seed is strong! Sorry. Game of Thrones joke.)

2. Then have sex the day BEFORE you ovulate, the DAY you ovulate, and then the day AFTER you ovulate. Michelle says the reasoning behind this is that girl sperms stay alive in your body longer, the boy sperms are sprinters and made for day-of-ovulation action, and doing it the day after ovulation is covering your bases, since it's possible you ovulated a little later than expected.

3. Have sex at night, and go to sleep directly afterward. Don't get up, don't go to the bathroom. Michelle says she slept with a towel under her. For the record, Michelle has two kids.

Michelle's dad clarifies that three sexual encounters are the minimum. If you want to keep going after the third day, by all means have at it. But the first day you do it should be the day before ovulation.

I figure we've all tried any number of crazy things on this voyage, and this one doesn't sound that crazy. It's worth a shot, right? 


  1. "It's worth a shot."


    Sorry. I'm a child.

  2. @Mandy - heh! I realized the double entendre but left it in. :-)

  3. What does Michelle's Dad actually do for a living? I'm just curious. A barren-uterus-whisperer still needs to pay the bills somehow. :)

    (I also giggled over "worth a shot.")

  4. Kelly - actually I'm not sure! Maybe she'll leave a comment about that if she reads this. I know he used to be a police officer at one time. :-)

  5. Kelly & Erin: He sells auto parts for a distributor. He used to own his own shop.

    I get my tendency to "expertize" myself from him: I found out recently that the reason he knows so much about the whole getting pregnant thing is because my mom had trouble getting/staying pregnant after they had me. She was on fertility drugs -- no idea which -- for a few years.

    Oh, and having this discussion with him a couple of years ago? Wasn't awkward AT ALL. (cough-cough.)

  6. Everything you mentioned is basically par the course for me on a regular month. Only we do 5 days before Ovulation, 2 days before Ovulation, Ovulation day, and the day after. With no "happy private time" for the hubby in between, elevating the pelvis on a pillow after for half an hour, and hubby wearing only boxers. Everything that doesn't involve invasive things - totally worth a shot!

  7. Someday, I can't wait to tell my children how romantic it was to try to conceive...LOL.

  8. @shell - I'm hoping his "expertise" works for someone!

    @mommyodyssey - that sounds like an awesome system! Keep up the good work. ;-)

    @eggsinarow - I figure we can just tell 'em: I waited a LONG time for you.

  9. I was going to leave a serious comment. Mandy ruined it.

  10. Umm. You had me up until #3. I don't think I can do it.

  11. Um, I can attest to the "don't get up" philosophy. It worked for us. But that's all I can say about that because people know me on here...