getting the ball rolling

What's that saying? The one about how if you have a problem with everyone, maybe you're the problem? After all, the common denominator is you.

I don't have a problem with everyone, but I do have a problem with most doctors. I've only ever had one doctor who helped me out. This was probably six years ago now, when I thought I was having panic attacks. She ran every test under the sun, and the results were super helpful. Turns out I wasn't having panic attacks; my heart is just a little jacked. Unfortunately, that doctor closed her practice.

I just saw a new doctor, and ... I am afraid to get my hopes up, you guys. I went in with my 7-page infertility questionnaire, told her it'd been over two years and two miscarriages, and said I wasn't interested in hearing about how I needed to have a third miscarriage in order for her to be concerned. She told me she wouldn't have said that, anyway. This may have to do with me being 34 years old now.

She is running 19 tests. Many of them are specifically for the repeated miscarriages. 

And she's running the progesterone test, guys. Why has it taken me this long to find a doctor who would run a series of progesterone tests? I've always suspected progesterone was the issue.

I'll also get a heart check-up to make sure I'm OK to actually carry a child since it puts stress on the heart.

Of course, I need to wait for the start of the next cycle before I can do any of these tests. Many of them need to be taken on Day 3 of my cycle. And when do you suppose Day 3 is projected to fall for me, since my cycle has been spot-on for the last several months? That's right. Christmas Day. This Murphy's Law shit is the story of my life. I've just called and confirmed that yes, all of the labs will be closed on Christmas. As they should be. So I will probably have to wait until the following cycle.

It's ok, really. I do feel very rushed to get my results, but it's been over two years already. Another month won't hurt.

Get on it

There are no changes since last week.

Temps are still too low. Ovulation is unlikely to have occurred. Aunt Flo should arrive shortly.

And my plan to wait until July has been booted out the window.

Because I'm making an appointment with a fertility specialist as soon as I get my period.

And I'm nervous as hell about it. 

Trust Your Gut

I officially have low progesterone, and one fewer doctor.

I also have a renewed commitment to trusting my gut.

I had promised myself to only do what felt right following our foray into assisted reproduction. Too many times I had let myself be talked into or out of things by someone in a white coat to whom I was paying a large amount of money. I promised myself that this was my body, and my money and if I was going to try to get pregnant again it would be on my own terms, and only with things I wanted to do, that I really believed would work.

Then I met my naturopath and that all flew out the window.

Looking back now, I can admit that I was uneasy the first time I met her. Without so much as a history taken she had me try progesterone cream, and said things like "you can feel it working already, can't you." I didn't know what I was supposed to feel working, but I agreed. After all, I had been told this woman was really good at treating women outside of the bio-medical model, and the book she had me read before the visit really spoke to me. Also, I wanted to believe this would be the magic bullet. I didn't even mind that the first consult was 4-hundred dollars and that she didn't take insurance. I told myself any unease was because I just didn't understand her methods yet.

For the more than a year under her care I was on Metformin, progesterone, spironolactone, and a thyroid drug. For all that time I went to see her every two months and she would tell me how much better I was looking, how much more energy I had, and how my body was aligning itself. When I had a problem she would tell me it was a cyst and give me a progesterone shot. For more than a year I saw no real changes in my body, or my reproductive health. Still I agreed with all her assessements when I sat in her office. I wanted to believe.

Then I asked her for the progesterone level test. She said no, not until another consultation. And my eyes flew open.

I went to the web and actually looked up all of the drugs she had me on. While they can help, the levels she prescribed were too low to do anything. I also learned that no one really prescribes progesterone cream for an imbalance because the dose is too low and delivery inconsistent.

After I was done banging my head against a wall screaming "damn it, what happened to trusting yourself" I called my regular OB to see if she would order a progesterone test. She did. No big deal. When it came back low she called in a prescription for progesterone pills I will start on next cycle. No big deal. And she did it all without trying to convince me she was right.

Even better? I didn't have to convince myself.

ARGH!

I am beyond annoyed.

I have been tracking my basal temperature, and it appears that every month, after the spike showing ovulation, it falls off. Goes of a cliff. Enters an ice age. What does this mean? Well, it could mean many things, including a progesterone deficiency. The one thing that during all of the poking and prodding that was done to me -- I was never tested for. After all, they reasoned, my luteal phase was long enough, so the progesterone had to be there. Of course, as we all know from MB the length of the luteal phase is just one of the markers, a progesterone deficiency can still exist, even if there are a full 14 days after ovulation.

I was sure it was a break through! My acupuncturist thought so too, and said I should call my doctor and see if she would order a test. I decided to call my naturopath, who has ordered testing like this before, sure she would help me out. I had an appointment already scheduled, so we could discuss the results.

She refused to do it.

She said she doesn't order tests just because an "acupuncturist" has a theory. I told her about the basal charting. She said we could discuss it at my next appointment. I said by then it would be too late because according to all the books it needed to be tested seven days after ovulation. I said it would be another month down the drain. She still refused. Oh, then she asked if I was trying to get pregnant. I guess she has short term amnesia.

Now, I know that doctors can't just order tests whenever a patient wants them. But when a doctor is working on a certain problem with a patient, and a test could help get to the bottom of it, shouldn't they be interested in having it done, no matter where the idea came from? Especially when the year of other medications they have prescribed haven't made any difference?

It made me wonder if she was just waiting to get her fee for the next appointment before she would help. Yep, that's how distrustful her response has made me. It also makes me want to dump all the pills she has put me on, at some cost, down the toilet. And it definitely makes me wonder if I want her involved in this process any more.

So, what do you think? Am I being a baby? Or is she being unreasonably unhelpful?

Avoidance

I finally opened the new patient email my new doctor’s office sent me at the end of May. I knew I needed to fill out a medical history form before Friday’s appointment, and I thought I was being extra on top of it by opening said email on Wednesday night instead of Thursday night or Friday morning. A medical history form is something I might fill out in the car on the way to the appointment while John drives.

What I didn’t realize was:

a.  I needed to ask my three previous doctors (all of whom ran some sort of fertility blood work and performed pap smears on me) to fax my medical records to the new doctor prior to my appointment.

b.  My consultation will likely take 1.5 to 2 hours and include a detailed review of my medical history, a physical exam and two pelvic ultrasounds.

c.  Even though I have insurance, I should have asked what my out-of-pocket expenses would be for this appointment. I happen to have one of those crazy plans that doesn’t pay a dime until I meet the $2,000 deductible, which, from the sounds of it, might happen at this appointment.

So, I’m kind of freaking out, and I’m seriously considering rescheduling. But first I’m going to call my previous doctors in the morning and see if they can track down my medical records. I have copies of some of my blood work results, but not everything.

Then I’m going to try to prepare myself mentally. I’ve been avoiding even thinking about this appointment. I used to not understand why someone wouldn’t want to go to the doctor, especially if the doctor may have solutions to her problems. But now I get it. It’s much more complicated than I imaged.

I have a friend who doesn’t have children, and she and her husband don’t fully know why. It took me awhile to understand that she really doesn’t want to find out exactly what is going on, at least not right now. She would like nothing more than to be a mother (and she has been to doctors and tried various things). But on the flip side, really having answers might mean finding out she will never have children, and she just doesn’t want that information at this time. She’s told me if they found out for sure that children weren’t possible she and her husband would probably have to take a month off work to grieve and plan and refocus their lives. At this moment, for her, it’s better not to know.

I completely understand. I feel torn between wanting answers and wanting to avoid the whole thing altogether in hopes that it will just go away.

UPDATE: My nails are painted. My legs are shaved. I'm off to see the wizard of fertility today.

Any Luck?

The supplemental health guru at Whole Foods is the nicest.

She’s probably 20, and a bit hippie (I mean that as a compliment), and she drinks chlorophyll to make her skin look good, though I doubt she needs to. Ever since she helped Erin and I pick out royal jelly and flax oil, I make a point to say hello anytime I see her in the store.

Anyway, this week we had our usual exchange of pleasantries, and then she casually and politely asked, “So, have you had any luck?”

I seriously wouldn’t have known what she was talking about, but she motioned to the belly area of my torso. “Um. No,” I stuttered and then I turned red and then I promised I’d keep her posted. I mean at this point, I’ve already told her I’m trying to get pregnant, why not continue riding the overshare train.

In other news, I promised about a month ago that I would at the very least call the doctor before June. That deadline hung over my head all month. So, I finally called the doctor’s office on the last day of May and set up an appointment for the end of June.

This would be a doctor I’ve never seen before. He comes highly recommended, and his number has been written on a post-it stuck to my fridge for months. It will be interesting to hear what he says.

In the meantime, I have a few weeks to work on improving my overall health (i.e. weight). I’m currently taking the radical approach of eating smaller portions. It’s a revolutionary idea, I tell you.

Tick-Tock

My birthday is next month. I’ve never been one to have a life plan or to hear the tick-tock of my biological clock. But I’m writing about fertility on a weekly basis. So, I’m thinking about it more than ever before.

This is probably a good thing since I would otherwise actively not be thinking about it in hopes that this whole not-getting-pregnant thing would just go away. Ignoring problems always solves them. Right?

Anyway, I’m thinking about what I want to accomplish in this next month. The last two weeks have been rather fertility unfriendly. For sure I knew I was off track when certain bodily fluids returned to less shocking colors. Too few supplements. Too much caffeine. Way too much sugar. (I think crack-cocaine is the secret ingredient in those mini-Cadbury milk chocolate Easter eggs with the candy shell. It just doesn’t make sense that they are so much better than M&Ms even though they are essentially the same damn thing.)  

So I’m back to getting myself on track. I’m going to print up some of my incentive charts and start again. Tonight, I even went for a swim in an effort to add exercise. (Is there anything more humiliating than putting on a bathing suit?) And I’ve decided that before my next birthday, I’m going to at least call the doctor’s office and make an appointment. I think my last annual exam was in September 2009, so it’s time.

The Road to Here

I tend to believe everything is exactly as it should be, even if it’s not exactly the way I’d want it to be. But if someone had asked me 15 years ago if I’d be more likely at the age of 33 to

a)      have 6 kids or

b)      have no kids

I would have guessed I’d be the happy mother to half a dozen children by now. That is a young mind for you, nary a clue how life might unfold.

Early warning signs of trouble ahead included a longer than normal cycle (30 to 40 days), painful periods and spotting before, after and sometimes in between periods. It’s not like I didn’t ask doctors if these things were normal. I did. The typical response was a random blood test and a recommendation to try the Pill, which I always declined to do.

There were also the Natural Family Planning (Creighton Model) classes John and I took before getting married. The instructor said my temperature charts were just too unpredictable, so she advised I rely on my cervical mucus instead to avoid or achieve pregnancy. That should have been a red flag.

In fairness, not all the doctors have been oblivious. One, a few years ago, ran a ton of tests and then told me my hormone levels weren’t ideal. No worries. I was certain my hormones weren't any worse than a crack addicts and they get pregnant all the time. Other doctors have suggested Clomid, which seems extreme without a diagnosis and at least trying holistic options first.

That said getting pregnant naturally is no piece of cake. (Mmm, cake. Did I mention needing to eliminate junk carbs, kick my Excedrin addiction and lose weight?) I’ll leave my disdain for making life changes for another post. For now, let me say I’m excited to have company on this journey, though I would not have thought making a baby would involve anyone other than me and my husband.